a ministry of compassion since 1973
Hope for When It Hurts
Isn’t it wild how the Spirit uses everyday things to remind us of truth and encourage us to live passionate lives? The simple things often remind me of the truth found in God’s Word. One evening this happened to me while watching television and the encouragement found in Hebrews 12 came to mind. The program was showing a video from a high school track meet and began with the racers lined up, waiting for . . .
Read MoreIn an earlier blog I mentioned this: …that you are getting closer to the finish line too. You are getting closer with each passing season to that time when you can rest in Jesus’ presence and ask all your questions and get all your answers, or realize that none of the questions or answers is more important than resting there, with Him.
Many times, I have heard bereaved parents say that each passing year brings them closer to the finish line of their own lives. Most Americans don’t take comfort in this thought, but bereaved parents do! It means that they are closer to the time when they’ll be with the child again. It means other good things too: reunion with others who have died, union with Christ, no more crying or pain, no more questions, greater understanding, clear communion with Jesus and with the child and with other family members.
Bereaved parents don’t want their lives to be over, but they want to be closer to their own finish lines. It is important to live well the days, months and years you have on this earth because those times were given to you by Christ. It’s not just luck or fate, but by Christ who does not make mistakes, who wastes nothing and who has a purpose for you.
A friend’s brother died suddenly this week. He was too young to die. There was no forewarning. He just died at home alone while watching tv. He had no warning. His sister had no warning. But, in God’s providence, his time had come to cross the finish line of his life-race. She is comforted knowing he was ready to “meet his judge and maker unafraid.” He stood before God, clothed in Christ’s robes of righteousness and God said, “Well done.” You all know that my friend will be grieving for a long time to come, but it is good to have the comfort of knowing her brother was ready to enter heaven.
Friend, you know that you are getting closer to the finish line too. You know someone who is already in Jesus’ presence. And you want to be there some day too. But you don’t know when the time of the finish line of your race will come. You may get weeks or months of warning, or not. So just get ready now. You will cross the finish line and meet your Judge and Maker too. You will stand there either in your own robes – that the Bible calls filthy rags (because your robes aren’t perfectly without sin, compromise, or blemish) – or in the robes of righteousness that Jesus offers to give you. Accept the gift and be ready! That’s all it takes. Then, when your time to cross the finish line comes, you will hear the same “well done” and “welcome home” my friend’s brother heard this week.
Let your child, who went before you across this line, lead you into the presence of Jesus when it's your time to cross the finish line of your life.
In the previous essay I made mention of a group of men walking along, talking over the events of the day. This conversation had a deep impact on 2 of the participants. The third member of this conversation was Jesus, who had just that morning returned to life after being killed. I want to talk about how similar this is to an earlier conversation between God and man. Adam and God the Creator used to walk and talk in the garden God had created and given to Adam and Eve. The Bible says God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day looking for Adam to have conversation. This verse also ends with a statement of Adam’s attitude of fear and hiding, since he knew he had just disobeyed his Creator. But that’s another point. I think this verse is a clue to the quality of their relationship before the disobedience. They met regularly and walked and talked together. They talked about the events of the day. Adam must have shared some exciting new observations he made about tigers or oranges or whatever else caught his imagination. Maybe he asked about how to manage a certain plant to its best productivity. God must have enjoyed seeing his created image-bearer learning about the world around him – the way I’m excited as I watch my grandchildren learning about their world. Maybe God also tutored Adam in many things –plants and animals, stars and the universe, relationships - until all this was interrupted by Adam’s choice to disobey, which led to his fall from grace.
So that close fellowship was interrupted by sin. But since then, God has been in the business of restoring quality back into the fellowship between God and man. You have been invited into an intimate relationship with your Creator-Redeemer-Father where He knows your every pain and sorrow. Where He’ll always wipe away your tears. And every cause of every tear. No more of the stuff that causes those tears. Think of all the tears you have shed since your child died. God Himself wants to take you in His arms, close to His heart and to touch your face, wiping away all those tears. He wants to comfort you.
The new earth and heaven where our God dwells and redeemed believing humans will dwell with Him is a garden where fellowship is fully restored and there are no more tears. We travel to this restored garden through a 3rd garden - The Garden of Gethsemane. This interim garden is where Jesus prayed that the “cup” might be taken away from Him. And it’s where Jesus answered “yes, I will do Your will” to His Father. The death of Jesus fulfills the Creator-Redeemer-Father’s purpose to bring you close so that He can comfort you.
Can you imagine the close fellowship between Creator and creature in the first garden? That’s what our hearts long for because we were made for this. Do you want to be comforted in your grief by One who loves you immeasurably? That’s what awaits you in the restored garden. You can come to Him for that comfort because Jesus went through the interim garden, saying “yes” to His Father’s plan for restoration. You can know at least some of that comfort right now because of the restored fellowship we can have with Him in this life now, even before we get all the way to the restored garden. He wants to comfort you.
“We do not want you …to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again… And we will be with the Lord forever.” I Thessalonians 4:13-14,17. See also these references that influenced my thoughts: Genesis 3:8, Luke 22:39-46, Revelation 21:1-5.
After Jesus’ resurrection, but before people understood what had happened, everyone was confused, especially his disciples. Since Jesus died the evening of the Sabbath, his body was not prepared properly for burial. So the morning after the Sabbath, some women of the community of his friends came to do that proper, common preparation. They found the tomb open and empty. And they spoke with an angel who said He is alive! Wow, that’s something new and unexpected! The women went back and told the men disciples who absolutely didn’t believe the women’s testimony. Because what they said was so new and unexpected, “nonsense” is the Biblical description. A few of the men went to the tomb to see for themselves. They found the tomb empty, just like the women said. The story in Luke 24 says Peter “went away wondering… what had happened.”
Later that day a couple of the guys went walking to the next town, about 7 miles up the road. That’s almost a 2 hour walk, I suppose. They didn’t have iPods so they weren’t listening to music or a podcast. They walked along and talked together. They, too, were wondering what had just happened to their beloved leader who had just died. A stranger joined them. But he didn’t seem to know anything about all these events, so they told him all that had happened and how confused and disappointed they were.
Then, as they walked along, the stranger began to explain the scriptures from beginning to end and showed them how it all fit together with what happened to their friend. Their hearts burned with excitement and wonder, but they didn’t know why… until the stranger gave thanks for the meal and they knew immediately it was Jesus, the beloved leader who was dead, but now was alive, talking and walking with them!
Grief can be like that sometimes too. Maybe you’re confused and disappointed. Disappointed about doctors, drivers, family responses, neighbors and strangers (what they said or didn’t say), and with God Himself. Confused about how the life and death of your child fits with God’s promise to bless your family. Just like the disciples, you’re so deeply sad because one you love died. Your loss is so profound. You may be confused about how to live now.
I’m going to suggest that there are also similarities on Jesus’ side of the conversation. The Lord can and wants to break into your confusion with hope. He wants to open your understanding of what He is doing in the world at large and your family in particular.
I suggest you walk and talk with someone who wants to listen. Go about your daily activities and think about things. I suggest you break bread with loving friends. I suggest that you mull over all the details, telling someone who will listen. Tell the Lord Himself, over and over. As you are doing these everyday things, I believe He will help clear some of the confusion. I believe the Lord wants to reveal to you some degree of understanding of the meaning of your child’s life and death, and of His presence with you. I believe He will show Himself to you in some way. It may be just a small revelation but it can make a huge difference for you. Clearing the confusion, making your heart sing, giving you deeper intimacy with Him and insight into His character. The disciples’ hearts burned with hope as their eyes were opened to who was walking with them. May your heart also burn with hope and peace.
27 And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself. (Luke 24:27) This whole story is told in Luke 24:13-35.
A mom called the office recently. Her son’s birthday is just a few weeks in the future so his name is listed in our newsletter on our Dates to Remember. This list allows people who know one another to remember them in prayer and with cards and messages of hope. We had made a mistake that caused this mom some extra pain. And none of our BASIS parents needs any additional pain! We had misspelled the name of her son. We are so very sorry when this happens. The child is precious, their name represents their identity, it’s important. Accuracy counts. We strive to not let it ever happen because we know it is so painful for our parents. We make sure our newsletter is proofread by at least 3 people. And, knowing all that, we still make mistakes sometimes. Please, if this happens to you, let us know so we can make corrections. Please forgive us for our lack of accuracy. Please let the Lord, who knows you child’s name, comfort you.
Yes, we sometimes make mistakes on important things like the spelling of your child’s names. But our Father does not make such mistakes, ever. He knows your child’s name and identity, perfectly and uniquely. He also knows you and the pain in your heart. As the Father of all comfort, He promises to send messages and messengers of comfort to you. He knows your child’s name and yours.
I am especially fond of these verses:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; … Do not be afraid, for I am with you;” Isaiah 43:1b,3,5 NIV
These verses carry one of my favorite Biblical themes: Don’t fear for I AM WITH YOU. These verses also include a picture that shows the quality of relationship we have with our Father, the Lord God Almighty. He knows your name. In fact, He has redeemed you (the picture is that He has paid for your freedom from slavery). And He personally invites you (that’s what “summoned” means) into His presence. He says “you are mine.” I know no more intimate verse in the Bible. He knows you. He’s called you. He identifies you as belonging to Him, personally. He won’t misspell your name or mix you up with another person, even one who has the same name (there are 41 David Martins in my phone book and God knows each one separately). He knows you. He wants you for His own.
Read these verses with your name inserted. Read them with you child’s name. Then say “yes” to His personal invitation to belong to Him.
Not too long ago, I needed to make some changes with my internet and phone services so I decided I would also sign up for cable at the same time. Before, I had very few TV channels to choose from, so I was a little overwhelmed with the magnitude of choices. I . . .
Read MoreOn Friday, Jesus died on a cross. He knew pain, loneliness and death, and he was the object of complaint and hatred of others. You might have known some of those same feelings surrounding your child’s death. On Saturday, Jesus was in the tomb. His friends were stunned. They were grieving. They were sometimes together, like you and friends and family were together after your child’s death. Milling around in someone’s living room and kitchen, picking at some food someone brought in, unable to taste. Unable to sit for more than a couple minutes at a time, afraid to leave in case someone called to say it was all a mistake! Sometimes they may have been alone with their thoughts of disbelief and disappointment. You too, may have thoughts of disbelief and of disappointment. Disappointment that God, the good God you thought was in charge had let your child’s death happen. The good God whom you know can heal, didn’t heal and prevent your child’s death.
And on Saturday, God the Father was a bereaved parent, like you. I know He knew the plan, but I also know He had never ever had a moment of time when He didn’t have fellowship with His Son. He was bereft. He experienced the separation from His beloved Son, like you are experiencing the separation from your beloved child.
Then, on Sunday, HE AROSE from that tomb, back to life again. The Resurrection. The grave doesn’t win, resurrection does! That tomb is not the end of the story. This life and death are not all there is!
Jesus’ resurrection is proof there is life beyond the grave. It proves Him - the One who is risen is worthy that we trust His words and teaching. It gives us hope.
“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him… And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” (I Thessalonians 4:13-14, 17b,18)
It gives us hope because there is life beyond the grave and Jesus wants to give it to you. These few sentences from Paul’s letter to the Christians at Thessalonica say we are supposed to encourage each other with talk of the resurrection and of heaven. So I’m talking! Jesus died, for real. He rose again, for real. Because of that, you have real hope for each day.
Easter is coming. Resurrection. Hallelujah! But first, there is death.
And before that Jesus hosted his final dinner meeting with His closest friends (John 13-17). He told them many things about his impending suffering. Their reaction: Naw! That can’t happen! They weren’t really listening to Him.
This dinner meeting went on for a few hours. He washed their feet. He talked and taught. He prayed for them – and for us! That night, the night the downward spiral began that led to the humiliating and agonizing cross, he prayed for all His followers in future history. That’s us! He prayed for us! He was going to die at the hands of the Roman-Hebrew conspiracy, but He was thinking about us!
Jesus was not focused on self or self preservation. He wasn’t focused on pain avoidance or pain relief. He wasn’t focused on anything but mercy to you and me, knowing He had to go all the way to the cross as his Father asked. His teaching that evening was all for the benefit of His followers. He taught that He’d be leaving very soon and the method of His departure would be very troublesome; that He would prepare a place for us; that He’d send His agent to be with us always (the Holy Spirit); and that He wanted us to remember all this after He’d gone. The disciples couldn’t understand, really. It was beyond their ability to comprehend until the events actually came to pass. But He prepared them anyway.
He said in that prayer: “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” (John 17:24) These events and their impact for us have been in the plan for a long time!
How does all this intersect with your grief? From before the creation of the world, Jesus was planning to give us reason for hope. From the instant the death sentence was pronounced on Adam for his disobedience, the Father was planning to redeem everything that had been broken. The cost for that renewal was very high – the life of His Son, who is God Himself contained in the flesh. But because Jesus wanted you to be with Him and to see His glory, the Father and Son were willing to pay.
He has always focused on our benefits. Somehow, the death of your child fits into this picture – God wants to shower us with His benefits. He created Life. Now He is recreating life, even for you after the death of your child. Certainly there is life without sorrow in eternity, when you can be where Jesus is. But I believe He is offering you a life that starts here and now that can be described by words like “hope” and “resurrection” and “seeing His glory.”
You may be reacting like the disciples: Naw, that can never be! Like the disciples, it’s hard to comprehend how His benefits apply in your life after your loss. But He has been preparing for you because He wants you to be with Him (and His Spirit with you) and for you to see His glory. Keep your eyes open. He is working for your benefit right now.
Ah !!! The spring air brings on warmer weather and the opportunity to get out and see the beauty of God's creation. It also brings Handi*Camp closer. Already there's . . .
Read MoreBefore His death, Jesus experienced the triumphal entry. From Triumph, where the crowds were FOR Him, to trial and execution, where all the people, powerful and ordinary alike, were AGAINST Him. Such a big change in less than one week. Jesus had a good idea that his immediate future wasn’t going to be easy. But He faced all this quietly, waiting for God to unveil his purpose and process for all to see. Do you feel there are any parallels between His experience and yours? You probably didn’t lose your child by execution. Do you feel like you expected the course to go one way, but suddenly things changed? Were you confident that healing would be the outcome, but what God has given is death? Do you feel maybe doctors were more optimistic than truthful with you? Or were some of your friends and spiritual counselors speaking of healing and good days ahead, but the days ended? Did your child rally the last week, so you thought he was over the worst of it, ready to get out of the hospital and back to school? Just like the people of Jerusalem, we can see signs and misunderstand what they mean. In the last days of your child’s life, did things change direction much too fast?
For some of you there may be parallels even more striking. There may have been violence at the hand of another, or even self inflicted wounds. You were probably totally surprised by those events. A different kind of sudden change of direction.
The people celebrating Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem were celebrating a triumph, but it is one that God didn’t promise or bring to pass. He didn’t have political conquest in mind, but the more permanent spiritual conquest of death. The people misunderstood God’s plan and purpose in these events. They were misled, and misunderstood what was about to happen. We can misunderstand too. We can misunderstand the medical situation and we can misunderstand the spiritual situation.
If your experience during your child’s illness or the circumstances of their death included this kind of disappointment and confusion, what is there to learn from this part of the Easter story?
I am going to encourage you to gather with people who love you and loved the child, and wait. Look for signs of what God will do to comfort you and to give greater meaning to the child’s life and death. It won’t mean the redemption of the whole human race, of course, but their death will not be wasted. Your child has meaning, as does your grief. So wait and look for the signs.
A bereaved father said: we prayed for a miracle, and we received one. Not the one we hoped for (his life on earth) but a real miracle still (his life everlasting)!
One scene from the week before the first Easter is in the court at which lying witnesses falsely accused Jesus of political insurrection. (Matthew 26:59ff) Jesus faced those false accusations and refused to argue. The accusations didn’t deserve His attention. You, too, may have some false charges placed against you. Someone in your community may accuse that you did or didn’t do some special treatment, or didn’t see a doctor soon enough or you didn’t see a certain doctor or you didn’t try certain alternative treatments or you or they missed something and so on, and so on. You also may accuse yourself of all this and more. Jesus’ false witnesses were set up by the court. Yours could be set up by the enemy of your soul.
Roman soldiers mocked Him with “royal” robes and a crown of thorns. Mocking like this is another kind of false accusation. (Mathew 27:27ff). The priests and teachers mocked Him saying: he saved others, but can’t save himself. Not true. He chose to not save himself. He could have. But He gave His life, voluntarily. He chose to save all of us instead of saving himself. It was so dramatic that a soldier concluded: surely he was the Son of God (Matthew 27:54) because of what he saw.
Neighbors may accuse. We can accuse ourselves. And we have the Enemy who is also known as the Accuser. He sits on your shoulder whispering in your ear. You’ve seen the cartoons representing this. The accusations come from every direction. What can a grieving parent do?
Like Jesus, you can meet the accusations with truth. You don’t need to argue or prove yourself to anyone else. Just know the truth in your own heart and head. Here are some general truths that apply: 1. Jesus loves you. 2. You made every decision during your child’s illness based on all the information and wisdom you had at the time. 3. The Bible says the number of days of your child’s life was planned from before the foundation of the world (Psalm 139:16). 4. You can’t extend that plan by one minute by worrying. (Mathew 6:27)
Jesus chose to go ahead to the cross and through the tomb, for you. So that, now in grief, you can have hope for heaven because His death can redeem you from the penalty of sin and because His resurrection proves Life wins. Since He’s done all that don’t let the accuser get to your heart. Trust that God has been in it and with you all along the way. Believe that His purposes are good – because He says so. Jesus knows that feeling of being falsely accused of something, just like you. He’s such a good friend. Talk it over with Him. The hymn says: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our … griefs to bear… Take it to the Lord in prayer.”
In these verses Judas calls Jesus "Rabbi," which means teacher. This got me thinking. What do I call Jesus? . . .
Read MoreSome of you may be involved in the music ministry at your church. You are probably already practicing all the glorious Easter music. Are you comforted by what you’re singing? Some of you who have always participated in the choir or other worship music may be having a hard time with the music of worship most Sundays. I have known some habitual participants who have taken a “leave of absence” during their grief because of their raw emotions. It’s common for grieving parents to shed tears or be unable to sing certain songs because of the memories they induce or because of the message of the song. Nearly every parent can’t sing Amazing Grace because of the emotions generated by that great message of redemption. The music of Easter focuses on death and redemption. You have experienced death in a personal way. You hope for the resurrection and want proof. So Easter hits very close to home, close to your pain. The stories hit your sore spots and hurt, though the message is also your source of hope. I am not talking about bunnies and spring colors; I’m talking about the prayer in the garden, the trial, the mocking, the painful death – and the resurrection! Easter is an emotional time for bereaved people.
Let me encourage you to really put your heart into the next 5 Easter worship services. Listen to the messages of scripture leading up to the cross and resurrection. Hear how Jesus faced His own death. Hear how He wanted out of it but then yielded to His Father. See how badly others treated Him, but how he patiently kept going forward to a painful death. See how He focused on eternal things and on how this all fit into redemptions’ big story. Feel the Resurrection! Know He lives. Think about what that new life means to you now that you have faced death.
There is a lot of pain in Easter, as we think about Jesus’ painful decisions and about the physical pain He experienced. There’s pain for us as we remember that He did this because we’re sinners and need a redeemer. In some sense it’s because of us that Jesus was required to go this route. There’s pain just thinking about one fellow human going through this pain while another human being hammered in the nails! And seeing, thinking about death always causes confusion and psychic pain.
But all our hope is rooted in Easter – The Resurrection of Jesus. That one event does at least 2 things for us:
For me, this blog can only end with this thought: Hallelujah! So while you’re practicing Handel’s Messiah or if you get to hear it this Easter season, sing the hope you get from the resurrection, even in your grief. It’s for a time just like this that He died. Hallelujah.
After all these years in ministry, I still am amazed at how God works through the details. Some we take for granted. For instance . . .
Read MoreI recently read a book that is not a grief book! That’s remarkable since I read mostly grief books. Anyway, this book is by and about a woman who loves Jesus, is married to a wonderful man who loves her back and who ministers to hurting people in various situations. It’s because of her losses that she has entry into the lives of those hurting people. She does know great loss, but she is not a bereaved parent. I hope that, even though she is not, you will “listen” to some of what she has to share.
Gracie, that’s her name, was a college student when she was in a horrible auto accident. It’s amazing she survived at all, but “every bone in her body below her waist” was broken. Many surgeries later, much pain later, she lost both legs below the knee and wears 2 prosthetic legs. She’s in pain all day every day. She also speaks to large audiences, sings to the glory of God, and travels to remote places – but mostly Africa- bringing wheel chairs and prosthetics to people who need them.
In the book, this quote hit me between the eyes: “I don’t have to go and look for purpose and meaning in my difficulties. The things I deal with don’t even have to make sense to me. They make sense to God, and I trust Him.”
She elaborated on why she trusts the Lord. Because He loves her, and you too. Because He gave up His son FOR her and for YOU. Because He (the Son) willingly gave His life for you. He endured the pain and humiliation of a brutal execution, as an innocent man. (Think about that pain and that injustice for a few minutes.) He did it FOR YOU. For Gracie and for you. He made you, gifted you, knows your every weakness and misstep, and redeemed you.
I often hear from bereaved parents, the “it just doesn’t make any sense.” Gracie has been there and has concluded it doesn’t have to make sense before she will live the life she has. She just lives in the reality of it. Many of you may not be ready to live in the reality of it. But that might be a good goal. Would that be a good place to live? For many of us, God will not give us clear answers as to “Why?” And “What was He thinking?” questions. He may expect us to come to a place of trust – trust His heart, the heart that gave up His only Son for you. Trust the love that drove Him to do that, even though that love does not make Him explain Himself to you. Can you trust the One who loves you that much? Yes, He is trust-worthy. You can trust that the things that have happened in your life make sense to Him.
I trust Him even when I don’t understand Him because of this: “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31b-32
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. - Abraham Lincoln A friend had this posted on her facebook this week. It got me thinking. If you knew the future, would you have chosen not to give birth to your child? If you knew the future would you have done something different on the day he died? If you knew the future, would you just bury your head in the sand, like an ostrich, because it’s dangerous out there?
It’s a very good thing that the Lord does not give us very much information about our individual futures. But what He does say is priceless. He says there will be trials and difficulties. He says He will be with us through it all. He says He intends everything that happens, to bless us and make us more like Christ. And He says he is preparing a place in His heaven for those of us who believe that He and the Father are one. That’s the end destination of the future, to be with Him. (references for these thoughts include: James 1:2, I Peter 1:6, Matthew 28:20, Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:29 “to be conformed to the image of his Son,” John 14:1-3)
Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
Your heavenly Father knows that you need [these things]. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:27, 32-34
The “Judy translation”: Don’t worry about tomorrow. There is too much to worry about anyway. And it won’t add a moment to your life either. God knows what you need and will provide. So seek Him and everything else will be ok.
Lincoln speaks wisdom when he says the future comes one day at a time. He gained that wisdom from hard things in his life and a “simple faith” which he described as “good enough for me.” He and his wife had 4 sons, but 2 of them died. One died before Lincoln became president. The other, Willie, 11 years old, died in 1862 during the height of the Civil War. Can you imagine the weight of the war on the president, and then add the death of his son??!! No wonder he is glad the future doesn’t come any faster than one day at a time.
Our Lord promised to provide comfort and strength and hope for us, one day at a time. Like he provided manna (food) one day at a time for the Israelites in their desert travels, so He provides for us daily, but not in advance for tomorrow’s troubles. Take your grief journey one day at a time and watch Him provide you with the comfort you need that day. He is faithful.
“Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.” Matthew 19:13-15
Parents invariably are asked this question – “How many children do you have?” Bereaved parents don’t know how to answer. If they count the one who has died, they may have to explain all about the death even if the time and place seem wrong for such a discussion. Also, it’s risky to bring up this topic to someone you don’t know because you don’t know whether their response will bless you or cause pain for you. But if they don’t count the one who died they feel like they are discounting and minimizing the importance of that child. It is a real dilemma. It’s the parent’s right to decide how to answer. The answer might be different every time, tailored to each situation.
Here are the guidelines I have learned from parents in the many discussions I’ve had over this question:
As a quick observation relating to the last point, the whole Old Testament is telling stories about someone who died, and telling about what we’ve learned through their lives. The New Testament was written as “current events”, mostly, but now we read it as stories about people who have died. We tell those stories again and again because they instruct us on how to live today in the Light of Christ. They tell us, among other things, that God is with us always. You can tell stories of your child, even though he died, to encourage, to laugh, to remember some profound insight you learned from the child. Tell me a good one!
“I will lift up my eyes to the hills--- where does my help come from?? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” Psalm 121: 1. Where are you looking for help? Are you looking to the internet? Local friends or family? Books? Other parents? As you look for help, do you sometimes cry out in despair like this writer? Where??? Where will I find help? WHO! Who in the world will help me??? The writer looks to the hills. On the hilltops, all kinds of altars were built to all sorts of “gods.” That’s little “g” gods. Though he looks to the hills, that’s not where this writer finds his help. He finds help in the one true God, maker of heaven and earth, whose temple was in Jerusalem and who is with us always by the Spirit.
For us too, in this day, we must be discerning when seeking spiritual help. Even friends or family can give you advice that’s based on false assumptions. There are bad preachers. There is bad theology, especially around the problem of suffering and of life and death. There is the false gospel I’ll call “prosperity”: if you live a good life all in your life will be good. Job faced that misrepresentation of God’s intent and work in his life. There is the school of false thought that says if I pray with the right words in the right attitude, God can do nothing but grant a positive response to my prayer. I believe God gets to decide who, when and how to deal with our requests. He decides. He heals, but not always. He has His plan for each of us which takes some of us over a very rough road. The over-arching principles that He has revealed as the direction of His plans are: that we become more like His Son Jesus, and that His glory and character is apparent. Look for help in His truth.
For me to say “be discerning” is a huge assignment at a time like this, in your grief. Since it’s hard to concentrate due to grief, all mental activity is hard. Here I am asking you to be discerning. Even worse, I may be asking you to grow more discernment than you have been till now. But growing deeper in your understanding of God and His mercy and His agenda is our life long assignment from Him and it is not cancelled for us because we’re grieving. He promises to give us His Spirit as shepherd, guide and teacher. He will help you in this difficult mental activity to grasp the difference between His help and some counterfeit help that comes along. Take it slowly and prayerfully and He will guide you through this chaos of emotion, this grief, this valley of the shadow of death. After all, He has identified Himself as the Light and the Truth. He will help you discern between ideas that come from other “gods” and those which are true.
Learn to discern. Look to the true God and He will comfort you. He will guide you. He will never leave you alone. He is trustworthy, because His promises are true. He will restore you. Your real help along this path of grief comes from the Lord.
(Here are some scripture referred to in this discussion: the Book of Job, Romans 8:29, John 9 especially verses 1-3, John 10:11-12, John 14:6, Philippians 1:6)
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