An Invitation

I recently read a blog about community and how sometimes we tend to isolate ourselves on our own “front porch” from Godly community. I’ve heard it said, sometimes the most comforting words one can hear is, “me too.” Hearing someone say those words is normalizing and comforting because you know you are not alone. God specifically designed us to crave intimacy and community. He even gave us an example of what that looks like. Jesus had his disciples in which He did life with. Below is an excerpt from the blog (in)courage...

“I’ve always felt that I deserved people to move toward me to create community...I also recognize that sometimes we’re in places mentally, physically and spiritually that make it difficult to reach outside of ourselves. That means the rest of us have to be getting off of our porches to move toward those who are in that place whether or not they ever get off of their porches to come to us.

There are those of you who are always getting off of your porch and I want to thank you. You’ve taught me how to be brave in community. I’m learning how to live it forward to others who are still afraid to step off of their porches.”

- Jessica Hoover

Whether you are a bereaved parent or not we all tend to stay on our porches in certain seasons. What if God asks us to get off our porch in order to receive a God ordained friendship or word of encouragement?

The annual BASIS breakfast is May 3rd at 10am and is a unique opportunity to be in a safe environment with other bereaved parents.

The BASIS staff has been praying specifically for who will be in attendance at the breakfast. We have been praying that they will feel the Lord’s comfort and a sense of community in new ways. The whole idea of BASIS is to bring people who have had similar experiences (the loss of a child) together to share, be heard and be prayed for. We have seen the benefits of BASIS and want to share it with others who are looking for community.

Today, I ask you two things:

1.) Do you know a bereaved parent, will you invite them to the BASIS breakfast? Offer to accompany them as well. Sometimes being invited is what people need.

2.) If you are a bereaved parent, please consider joining us. You will hear the story of BASIS from former Director, Judy Blore and hear from our newest Director, Don Allison, who is a bereaved parent.

We at BASIS invite you to a morning of honoring and remembering your child’s life, a delicious breakfast, laughter, tears, community and  even some comforting words such as “me too.”

To register click on “Events” on BASIS page or call our office at: (717) 859-4777.

We hope to see you there.

"Jesus Wept." Why?

Mary and Martha, friends of Jesus, sent word to Him that their brother Lazarus was sick.  They were hoping Jesus would come and heal their brother, but to their disappointment, Jesus deliberately did not come until a few days later, after Lazarus had died.  When Jesus finally arrived Mary said to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. When Jesus saw her weeping...he was deeply moved." John 11:33.  After seeing where Lazarus had been laid to rest we are told that, "Jesus wept." When Jesus first heard the news of Lazarus's sickness he said to His disciples, "This sickness will not end in death." John 11:4.  So if Jesus knew in His mind that he would heal or raise Lazarus from the dead, why did He weep?  I believe He wept because of the broken hearts of Mary and Martha.  When our daughter, Crystal, died several years ago, I knew she went to heaven.  I knew that I would see her again and when I did it would be forever.  Yet, my heart was broken because she was gone.  I do not feel that Jesus expected me to just "get over the loss" because we knew where Crystal was and that we would some day be reunited with her. Just as Jesus wept with his friends, Mary and Martha, He wept with us and He weeps with broken hearted  parents today, because the Bible reminds us:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles..." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

I have found in my ministry to grieving parents that perhaps the most valuable thing I can give to them is not my words of encouragement or words of comfort but my tears.

"Where's Your Faith?

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”   Hebrews 11:1

The eleventh chapter of the Book of Hebrews is known as the faith chapter. It recounts the faith and exploits of great people of the Old testament.  It also records the hardships, trials and great persecution and terrible mistreatment.

Faith is not getting what I want, or having things work out as I planned.  Faith is not even dependent on God fulfilling His promises; for in the Bible's greatest chapter on faith, we find this statement about these people of faith, “Though they trusted God and won his approval, none of them received all that God had promised them; for God wanted them to wait and share the even better rewards that were prepared for us.” Hebrews 11:39-40.

Many of us bereaved parents prayed for the healing of our sick child or recovery for our injured child, and that did not physically happen.  Sometimes there are those who would say that it was because we did not have enough faith.  However, the above Scripture clearly knocks that idea down.

To have faith in God is to have faith no matter what happens! Prayer is not so much getting things from God as it is getting God's viewpoint about things. Seeking the mind of Christ, thinking God's thoughts is not an easy thing to do.  But ultimately we need to have faith in God, not in our ideas about God.

We can never fully understand God, but we can believe that in His time He will keep all His promises and one of those we can cling to in our journeys of grief is that He said, “I will never, never fail you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

Healing Broken Hearts

Jesus said that, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; ...he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted.” Luke 4:18

 Not only did Jesus say that healing broken hearts was part of His mission, after He  said that he also proclaimed, “These Scriptures came true today!”  Luke 4:20

I don't know about you, but even though I have been a minister of the Gospel for more than forty years, I still have trouble understanding that.  I don't have a problem believing that Jesus cares about my broken heart, but how does He heal it?

Any bereaved parent will tell you their heart was broken over the death of their child.  Hearts are broken over many other circumstances of life,too. So how does the Lord heal broken hearts?  After eight years of mourning the loss of our daughter my heart still aches.  It still hurts.  Sometimes the pain in my heart is very strong.

It is often said that time is the great healer.  So, is that God's remedy for broken hearts; just give it time?  Time does seem to help up to a point and God gives us time and allows it to contribute to our healing.

I have had a few injuries in my life.  I remember cutting my leg when I fell on a piece of glass on a school playground.  The wound bled and required some stitches.  It hurt but after some time it began to heal and the day came when the doctor took out the stitches.  It did not bleed anymore but there was a scar. Over sixty years later I can still show you the scar. (Want to see it?)

The wound of my broken heart from the loss of my daughter is no longer an open wound but there certainly is a scar. It seems that wounds can't heal without making a scar.  Several years ago I came across a song entitled, “Scars Are a Sign of Healing”.

The healing process is more than just passing more time.  God sends the time but He also promised, “I will not leave you comfortless.  I will come to you.” John 14:18

Comfort is part of the healing process.  The Lord  comforts us by coming to us through His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, (or Comforter) which has been given to all believers.  Then, He also brings us comfort through other caring, brokenhearted people.

In our BASIS ministry we have support groups for grieving parents.  In the support group we see one another's scars of a broken heart, and in the process there is some healing.  God finds ways to continue the healing process.

Memory Teddy Bear

When we lose a loved one, sometimes going through their clothes can be very difficult. Did your child have a favorite shirt that you have kept? Clothes hold special memories and often have a comforting fragrance to them.

A friend of mine lost her grandmother and her mom surprised her and her brother one year with a teddy bear that was made from their grandmother's clothes. The teddy bear's body was made from her shirt, the legs were made from pants and the eyes were buttons. To this day this bear is so special to my friend.

This week I worked on recruiting volunteers who sew and would like to bless a grieving child by making one of these teddy bears. As I was compiling my list of volunteers, I received a lot of feedback from people who thought this was such a wonderful idea, therefore I thought I would share it in a blog.

If a bear is not your thing, what about a doll, a pillow in the shape of a car or a truck or how about a quilt?    There are a lot of possibilities to be creative. You can find free patterns online.

Here are a few ideas of how to get started:

- If you know another bereaved mom, invite her to join you on this project. Share memories, sip tea, encourage one another and sew into each other's lives.

- If you are not a bereaved parent, but are crafty with a sewing machine and know a bereaved parent, share this idea with them and that you would like to do this with them or for them. What a beautiful act of "I'm here for you" this can be.

- Do you know a grieving child? Offer this idea to the family. A teddy bear like this can be something they cherish for years to come.

I hope this idea blesses your heart today, and comment below if you plan on making one.

Do You Have Hope today?

Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, has a lot to teach us about hope.

"My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord...Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him." Lamentations 3:18-25.

Jeremiah begins this passage lamenting the loss of everything dear to him. He has not received what he expected from the Lord, but by the end of this passage hope has replaced bitterness and despair.  What transforms Jeremiah's perspective?  His circumstances have not changed in that period of time.  The difference is that Jeremiah's outlook has changed from hoping for something from the Lord to hoping in Him.

Placing hope in the Lord is a decision, an act of faith.  After voicing his despair, Jeremiah chose to remember what he already knew about God.  He knew what God had promised and he knew what God's character was like, so he focused on these instead of his circumstances.  The Scripture above contains more than a description of God's faithfulness.  It is a stark testament of faith in the midst of complete despair.

Hope does carry certain emotions, but placing hope in the Lord is an act of the will in faith.  Learning to place our hope in the Lord in this way is not easy. This may be especially true when we are grieving the loss of a child.  When Jeremiah says, "The Lord is my portion," he is saying the it is God who is sustains and satisfies him, even in the midst of despair.  When we recognize this it frees us from needlessly pursuing things we want Him to give us  or do for us.  We are challenged to believe that relationship with God is more satisfying than anything else. As Jeremiah, we too need to discover the crucial difference between hoping for something from God and hoping in God.

Another important lesson Jeremiah learned was to live one day at a time.  This is an art I too need to learn. The fact that the same burden (grief) will have to be carried tomorrow gets us down sometimes and we forget His daily presence and promise of His daily mercies. When tomorrow comes and we must continue to carry some of the same burdens we have carried for years, from which we may only gain a short relief, we may ask, "Does the road wind up hill all the way?"... and that prospect may depress us.  But if the road does wind up hill all the way God promises not to forsake us.  His mercies and compassions are new every morning.

If there are new needs there will be new grace, new mercy, new comfort and new strength,

and that gives me hope!!

Past, Present and Future

 In the book of Exodus in the Old Testament, God told Moses to tell his people: “You have seen what I did to the Egyptians and how I bore you on eagle's wings and brought you to myself. Now therefore, if you obey my voice and keep my covenant you shall be my treasured possessions out of all the peoples.” Exodus 19: 4-5.

To have confidence in the future and to understand the present, we must take a look at our past. What has God been up to in your life and in the history of His people? What might God be telling you through your own life today? God's presence with you in the past does speak to your present and your future.

Whatever you have been through in the past, God is trying to reach you through those experiences. Whether you would call your past good or bad; God has been there. He is everywhere we turn and He is everywhere we have been, pursuing us to bless us. If you are a bereaved parent God has been there and He will continue to be there, providing blessings in the midst of your grief.

Listen to your life. You are God's treasured possession and He has brought you through your past to the present, to today. God reminded Moses to remind the people that not only has He been with them in the past, but that He is with them now:[“Now therefore...” I learned a few things from English class; that's present tense language. A decision made now has an impact on the future.

In the space industry they have a term, “mid-course correction”. If the rocket is off course they acknowledge the mistake and make a “mid-course correction.” Isn't that what present living is all about?

Looking at our past and wanting a successful future we are given the present in order to evaluate our course in order to make mid-course corrections when needed. The present time is a God-given gift in which to make decisions for the future, and if we “Obey His voice” and “keep His covenant” God promises us we remain His “treasured possession”.

Listen to your whole life; the past, present and future, because God is speaking to you right now as you read this blog. Are you listening? Are you choosing to follow Him now and in your future. He will not fail you or abandon you, for you are His “treasured possession.”

God Speaks to Me Through My Daughter’s Valley of Death

God spoke to me when my 36 year old daughter was on her death bed. My daughter Crystal was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia on her 36 birthday June 14, 2005 and on July 31, 2005 God spoke to me. My husband Don and I were called on a Sunday morning by our son Clay, who had already gone to New York. He told us that Crystal was back in ICU and was not doing so well. My husband called off from work. He was pastor in Lebanon, PA.  We headed to Albany Medical Center in Albany, New York. During that awful trip to New York I was sad and worried about what lay ahead. About half way there God came to me and said; “NOT TO BE AFRAID FOR HE HAD CRYSTAL’S AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.” I could understand Him having Crystal’s best interest even if she died and went to heaven. But it was harder to understand how my best interest would be served.  I sensed His presence and a peace came over me. At that time or ever did I get assurance that she was going to be healed.  It brought to my mind the scripture. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose,”  Romans 8:28.  I continued to sit in silence for about an hour and then I told Don what I had experienced.  We continued our most difficult journey.

When we arrived at the hospital, we were able to go into ICU and visit with Crystal. I am so glad that I got to see and speak to her that one last time, even though it haunts me still. She died about 5 a.m. the next morning on August 1, 2005.  Her Dad and her Husband were with her when she died.  Clay and I had gone back to Crystal’s home to be with Andi, my daughter-in-law and my 4 grandkids.

I believe it was in September 2005, about a month after Crystal died that I felt God speak to me again. He told me to “CONCENTRATE ON THE LIVING.”  He didn’t tell me to forget about Crystal. My son bought me a computer and a printer for Christmas.  Included was a program to scan and print pictures. I proceeded to use that to produce over twenty albums with many, many pictures of Crystal. The pictures are precious memories.

From time to time I still have to be reminded about what God said;  “CONCENTRATE ON THE LIVING” AND  “NOT TO BE AFRAID FOR HE HAS CRYSTAL’S AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.”

Iris Allison

A Memory Box

Every few blogs I try to share an activity that you can do with your children. A Memory Box is an activity that you can do as a family or as an individual. Get a box, a shoe box (you can cover it with paper) or a craft box available at any craft store. Have a variety of craft supplies that include: stickers

letter stickers

construction paper

markers

scissors

model magic or clay

glue or glue sticks

Decorate the outside of the box with the person's name who died and words that describe that person for example: Loving Father, Fun, Hard Worker, etc.

Now get creative and think of the memories you shared with this person. It could be anything! Did you go sledding with this person in which you laughed so hard your stomach hurt? Great. Make a sled out of construction paper or clay and put it in the memory box. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's about the process. If you are doing this activity as a family work together, share thoughts, share memories it may bring a smile to someone's face and it may bring tears as well. Let them flow.

May this time together be filled with fond memories of your loved one and may you feel our Heavenly Father's presence and comfort.

I Am The Light Of The World?

  That’s what Jesus said to His followers, “You are the light of the world…” Matthew 5:14.

Can you imagine that? Here was a motley crew of farmers, fisherman, tax collectors and housewives in a tiny village in an obscure part of the world and Jesus is telling them they are the “light of the world.” What a crazy idea. Light of the world? That bunch? It must have sounded absurd at the time even to them. Only Jesus could have seen that through this humble group God would indeed change the world forever.

Now, do you want to hear something else really absurd? So are we. Jesus calls His followers today to be the light of our world. Can you believe that? Think about that for a moment. If we are followers of Jesus, we are the light of this world. But it is with a purpose we are lights.

A lighthouse steers ships from the rocks. A light bulb lights up a room. Light does not exist for its own glory but to brighten up the world. We are to be lights in the world, not calling attention to ourselves put pointing the way to God.

As followers of Jesus and “lights of the world” we have something the world cannot find anywhere else. What do we have the world can not find anywhere else; programs, productions, music, creative presentations, great words? What we have to offer a broken world and hurting, grieving people is not something, but Someone, Jesus.

We have the privilege and opportunity to shine His light of love and comfort to others. My wife, Iris, and I have received His light in a special way since our daughter, Crystal, died several years ago. In this BASIS ministry we now can pass the Light on to others.

We are not the source of our light.  We are but reflectors of a much greater source.  There is One who has touched and brightened our lives and given us the power and authority to do the same for others. Losing a loved one certainly brings darkness into our worlds, but may the light of Jesus pierce your darkness and allow you to sense the warmth and brightness of His love and presence again.

The Elephant In The Room

In a previous blog I pointed out that well meaning people avoid talking about your loss because they think it will just cause you pain.  Of course, as bereaved parents we know that is not true.  The following poem by Terry Kettering expresses this so well. The Elephant in the Room

There’s an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?”

And, “I’m fine”…

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else—

Except the elephant in the room

There’s an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant

As we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.

Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,

Perhaps we can talk about her life?

Can I say “Barbara” to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me alone…

In a room…

With an elephant.*

May God give you someone who will talk with you about "the elephant in the room"

* from Bereavenment Magazine, October, 1989

How Long Will It Take?

After the Oklahoma City bombing that took the lives of many, including scores of children, there was speculation about how long the grieving would last.  Joyce Andrews, a bereaved mother, writing in We Need Not Walk Alone, newsletter.*  Commented as follows: When asked, "How long will it take these families to recover?", a spokesman for a relief agency estimates that the grieving could take "up to a year--and for some, even longer."  "A YEAR?", we gasp... "Whose reality is this?"....Who says how long you will miss your child?  Who decides how long you should keep her room intact?...And so the second outrage begins:  The pressure to be "normal" when you're  not, the temptation to  deny your grief, the urge to run from the reality that your life is no longer --and will never be--the same.  Yet we want to give you hope.  When, in six or seven months, you think the pain is getting  worse instead of better...hang in there.  And after a year, when you think you're not on schedule, don't give up.  You will survive.  You will get better...in your own time, in your own way.  We know.  We've been there

I have been there too, and in some ways it does 'get better', but let me also caution that especially for older mothers, in some ways it may seem worse since the part of missing your child can be compounded by an increased sense of loneliness that seems to accompany simply getting older with family often scattered with less time spent together.  Compassionate family and friends can be of help. It is also helpful to reflect and rely on God's promises:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me: your rod and staff, they comfort me.:  Psalm 23:4

"For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."  Isaiah 49: 13b

Jesus said,...and surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  Matthew 28:20

*We Need Not Walk Alone, copyright 1995, The Compassionate Friends, Inc.

Will Life Ever Be Normal Again?

That was a big question on my mind after the death of our daughter, Crystal.  Burying one of your children is not what we think is the normal pattern of life.  Children bury parents.  That is considered normal. Is life normal again?  I think I have come to the conclusion that life is normal.  We tend to think of normal as being free from the unexpected, the rare or unusual, but all of that is part of life.  Life is different from day to day but even the differences are part of normal life here on earth.

 My friend, Tim Sheetz, Executive Director of Handi*Vangelism International observed a difference he perceived in me in reference to my grief.  He said, “In previous meetings you shared what you were going through.  Now I hear you sharing more what you have gone through.”  We talked about this in reference to my ministry to other grieving parents.  In the grieving process it is good to share with someone who is also going through grief, but it is also good to see how someone has gone through grief.  Grief never ends, but there is some light through the shadow of death, and that is more clear now than eight years ago when Crystal died.

 Pain and sorrow, sickness and tragedy are normal, and until it all becomes “Crystal Clear” in the next life, we have the presence of a loving, compassionate God to go with us, and the hope of heaven.  I also have other grieving people to walk with me in my grief journey and my hope and prayer is that you do too.

 The following verses are from an anonymous poem  “Letter From Heaven"*

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years, Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

It was always my philosophy and I’d like it for you too; That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who’s in sorrow and pain; Then you can say to God at night…”My day was not in vain.”

And now I am content, that my life was worthwhile Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low; Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

Jesus said, “I am the one who raises the dead and gives them life again.  Anyone who believes in me, even though he dies like anyone else, shall live again.  He is given eternal life for believing in me and shall never perish.”  John 11:25-26 TLB

 Taken from A Bright Tomorrow, Copyright holder, De Vores & Sons, Inc. Wichita, KS

Hope for Tomorrow

My heart was so heavy With sadness and sorrow. The day was so dark I could not see tomorrow. Hope seemed so dim Through the tears that I cried. I could not see You Lord The day that s(he) died.

I remembered Your promise To be by my side. For always You’re with me In You I abide. In the midst of the darkness Your hand touched my soul. You drew me so close And made me whole.

There are times that I cry Alone with just me. When the silence comes crashing Like a storm-troubled sea. There are times that I laugh now When I remember the years. That we shared together Through the good times and tears.

The peace oh Lord The memories You bring. Fills my life with hope Make my heart strings sing. Draw me close to Your side And lead me gently on. Give me hope for tomorrow Till the dark turns to dawn.

Open my heart Lord Let out the sorrow. Pour in your spirit And hope for tomorrow. I need Your touch Lord On my heart this hour. Fill me with Your love With Your healing power.

© July 2002 John L. Stevens

I recently came across this poem and I loved it. I thought it was so real to grief and the loss of a child. It starts out by talking about the heaviness of grief and how it can be blinding. It then moves on to the promise of God, that He will never leave us and that His presence is close. It then describes how God heals our brokenness and allows us to have memories. Finally, it ends with how He fills our life with hope, love and His healing power.

Today, I am praying this for all families who have lost a child. That God's healing power may dwell in your spirit and that you will feel his presence mightily today. May today bring a precious memory that will bring a smile to your face and peace to your heart.

Precious Memories Help to Heal

Precious Memories Help To Heal

We celebrated Christmas with our son and his family. It was nice to have them with us a couple of days. We enjoyed exchanging gifts, playing games, laughing and, of course, eating. A special gift we received was a series of DVDs. Our son had taken several of our old video tapes and put them on to DVDs.

We enjoyed watching some of them, seeing events and happenings of the past, some we had forgotten but were glad to be reminded of again. Of particular blessing was watching our daughter, Crystal, playing basketball and volleyball in college more than twenty years ago. It brought back some wonderful memories mixed with sadness that she was no longer with us, having died from leukemia eight years ago.

The pain of Crystal's death can still be quite intense. The edge of happiness we feel is often blunted by the realization that, as my wife said, “It's one more thing Crystal won't be able to share with us.”

 Yet, we enjoyed watching Crystal play ball and were glad for the precious memories, and thankful for the wonderful daughter we shared for thirty-six years. Precious memories do help to heal the pain from our loss.  I am sorry for those parents who never got to see their child grow up, but be assured those babies and little children are in heaven and through faith in Christ parents can be reunited with them again one day.

“Jesus said to her [Martha], 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.'”. John 11:25-26

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year?

So, what is there to be happy about? What do I have to look forward to -- another year not to have our daughter, Crystal, to celebrate the new year? This makes the 9^th one she has missed.

On the other hand, its one year closer to seeing her again. For her, its one more year spent in heaven and I can only imagine Crystal is having the time of her life, her eternal life.

“You have a baby girl,” the doctor announced June 14, 1969. My joy was almost uncontainable.

“I'm sorry, Mr. Allison, the doctor said 36 years later , “Your daughter is not going to make it. You can go back and be with her as much as you want.” A little while later while I was holding her hand, the nurse whispered, “I'm sorry, she's gone.” My pain was almost unbearable.

Zig Ziglar, who lost his 40 year old daughter, Suzan, shares some helpful counsel that grieving parents can take with them into the new year.*

First, find strength in applying God's Word personally. For example, read Psalm 46 this way: “God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in my time of trouble.”

Second, express your dependence on God daily in prayer. Psalm 116:1-2 puts it so plainly: “I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.”

Finally, look for opportunities to share the hurt of another person, “so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  2 Corinthians 1:4

I am going to try to use this counsel more consistently in 2014. May I encourage you to do the same.

I would not be surprised  if you can experience happiness in 2014, especially as you try to share the hurt of someone else.  In the process of helping others God will continue to provide comfort and healing to you.

 *”I Know You Are Hurting” by Zig Ziglar printed by Good News Publishers 1300 Crescent Street, Wheaton, IL 60187

Help With Grief From Man's Best Friend

Today, the day after Christmas, a day that can be difficult for grieving parents, I was struck by something I read in the devotional reading in “Our Daily Bread”*. The writer was referring to the Connecticut school murder of 20 children and 6 staff members and she pointed out that while many were trying to understand how or why something like that could happen, some specially trained dogs were brought in,”Specially trained golden retrievers that offered nothing except affection. Dogs don't speak: they simply offer their presence. Children traumatized by the violence opened up to them, expressing fears and emotions they had not spoken to any adult.” In this devotional someone was quoted as saying of the dogs that, “The biggest part of their training is just learning to be quiet.” What a great lesson we can learn from these dogs in our effort to help people in their grief. I have learned in my experience of dealing with bereaved parents that it is better not to say anything than to say the wrong thing.

Often you may not need to say anything to best comfort a grieving parent. At a recent support group meeting I attended, a parent shared that at the viewing of their five year old daughter quite a few years ago many, many people came through the line but he said that after all these years he could not remember one thing any body said to him, but he can never forget one person who just hugged him and cried with him without a spoken word. That reminds me of our Lord, Jesus Christ, who wept with two sisters as they mourned the loss of their brother. (John 11:35)

Parents who have experienced the death of one of their children have a need to share their story, to talk about their grief. Finding someone who can truly listen is a blessing. I pray that I can be a better listener in my ministry to grieving parents.

The writer of the above mentioned devotional sums up by saying that, “People in grief do not always need words. Sometimes they need someone to sit and listen silently with them, to listen when they speak, and to hug them when their sorrow turns to sobs.”

 *Our Daily Bread, 2013 RBC Ministries, Printed in USA, volume 58, numbers 9,10 & 11

Dear BASIS Family,

Dear BASIS Family,

“… He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain...write this down for these words are trustworthy and true..." (Revelation 21:4–5)

Christmas is less than a week away, which may be very painful. God knows your pain. Jesus's birth is the beginning of the greatest story ever known. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life and died a criminal’s death so we could have HOPE. One day there will be no more tears, no more pain and no more death.

Thank you, Jesus for being the source of our HOPE.

With that being said, It’s okay to be sad, to cry, to not feel like being in the “Christmas spirit.” And, on the other hand it’s okay to be happy, to celebrate, to be joyful. It’s okay to be sad one minute and joyful the next. Grief is often like a roller coaster, ups and downs. Be honest with people, tell them it's hard. Try a new tradition. Honor your loved one. Share memories. All emotions are okay. Jesus will meet you right where you are in any emotion and in your grief.

We at BASIS are praying for you this Christmas. Remember His words are trustworthy and true. May God’s great love and comfort surround you and keep you this week.

With Love,

Your friends at BASIS

He Walks With Us

He Walks With Us

My wife, Iris, and I have been healing as we continue our journey together after the death of our daughter, Crystal, who died from leukemia eight years ago. Moments of sadness and heartache often come unannounced and unexplained.  Grief doesn't follow a logical course.  Sometimes we don't know what brings the tears.  Sometimes there is joy in moments of remembering.  Always there is regret that we can no longer share the memories with our daughter ever again in this life, and that thought can bring unimaginable pain at times.

We both miss her very deeply.  It's hard to believe she's gone.

We'd like to think she'll be there, when we wake up in the dawn.

 Of course, we know that isn't so. Our daughter is no longer here.

But that she still lives on in us is also Crystal clear.

I penned those words in a poem I wrote to Iris a few months after Crystal's death. Christmas is coming soon and that day can be especially difficult for bereaved parents. We'd all like to think our missing child would be there when we wake up on Christmas morn.

My mind flashes back to the many Christmas mornings as our family woke up and our children  appeared near the Christmas tree , excited  to find out what was in all the presents under the tree.  What happy times of laughter and joy as presents were opened.  Pictures, videos and scenes sketched in our memories still touch us.

But once again, we deal with the reality that Christmas will never be the same again, but even then I know I have a Friend who walks with me.  In Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

That reminds me of a special card we received that meant so much to Iris.

He Walks With Us

The road of life may take us where we do not care to go, up rocky paths, down darkened trails, our steps unsure and slow.

But our dear Lord extends His hand to hold, to help, to guide us. We never have to feel alone, for He walks close beside us.

This Christmas we hold on to Jesus' promise in John 11: 25-26: 

“I am the one who raises the dead and gives them life again.  Anyone who believes in me, even though he dies like everyone else, shall live again.  He is given eternal life for believing in me and shall never perish.”

"Don't Listen To Them"

Well meaning family, friends and the general public have several misconceptions about your grief over the death of your child.  Don’t be surprised by it and don’t accept their misguided perceptions as truth. My wife, Iris, and I fortunately have not encountered as many of them as many bereaved parents do. Here are a few of the misguided expectations people have of how you should deal with your grief. Don’t listen to them!

• Avoid talking about your loss because it will just cause you pain.  How wrong that is.  Other people tend to avoid talking about your loss and your deceased child because it is uncomfortable for them.  They are afraid it might make you cry…so what?  Crying is not a bad thing for people in grief.  Talking about your deceased child is something you want and need to talk about, even after many years.  I heard it said that, “your child’s name is like music to your ears”.  How true that is for me.
• Your grief should not be a long process.  Everyone grieves differently and at a different pace, but grief is not something you put a time limit on.  Unfortunately many people who hear of “stages of grief” falsely conclude that after a period of time you should have made it through all the stages and be finished with your grief.

Time does have a healing effect but it doesn’t eliminate your grief. “You need to get over it and move on” are not helpful words at all.  Yes, we do need to move on with our lives, but that does not mean we “get over” our horrific loss. Our goal is not to get over our loss for that would imply that our loss is not that great and that since our child is no longer here, he or she is no longer precious.  I believe most parents would say that losing their child was the most painful experience of their lives.  I know for me and Iris nothing else even comes close to the pain of the death of our precious daughter, Crystal.

•  Not crying is a sign that you are handling your grief well.  No so, especially in the first year.  Giving the appearance of having our grief under control is usually not true, nor is it healthy.  Of course there are extremes but not many grieving parents go to extremes.  On the other hand, lack of crying is not necessarily a sign of inadequate mourning.  Some people are not criers.

It is natural for you to be upset, be angry, and have trouble focusing for a period of time.

It is helpful to learn how other parents cope with their grief, but don’t try to pattern your grief after anyone else’s grief, and don’t listen to those who would try to impose on you the false expectations noted above.

A Scripture that has been helpful to me is,

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 NIV

I have been comforted most by others who have suffered a loss of a child and I have also found comfort in being able to share my comfort with other grieving parents.  That is largely why I am now Director of BASIS.