Glad For A Broken Heart?

Really!  How can a broken heart be a good thing?  On the surface that sounds morbid, abnormal, perhaps impossible.  Yet, think about it for a moment.  As I stood at the graveside of our precious daughter, Crystal, my heart was surely broken, and even though there has been some healing, there is a huge scar and it is still not fixed.  My heart still breaks and I have come to realize that is a good thing. I'm not glad that our daughter died.  I'm not glad it happened.  It has been by far the most painful thing in my life, but think how tragic it would be if  my heart was not broken over the death of my daughter.  I am glad for the love we shared.  I'm glad for the bond that held us together.  I am glad for the wonderful memories.  I'm glad Crystal came into our family and blessed us so much for thirty-six years, so it's only natural that I should have a broken heart when she is no longer with us.  To not feel a deep loss would diminish the value of our relationship.

To love deeply also means we hurt deeply when the one we love is no longer with us.  The saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is in reference to love between a man and woman when one party does not return that love.  In the case of me and my daughter it is not that one party does not return love but that death has brought a separation for the rest of this life.  So, even though it hurts and my heart is still not fixed, I'm glad God created Crystal and that she was part of our family.  I'd much rather have it this way than to think it was no big deal that my daughter died because there was no strong bond of love.  I am glad I loved her deeply and she loved me, even though that's why it hurts so much.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal live."  John 3:16.  God's love for us is so much stronger than our love for Him or our love for each other. God understands broken hearts and one day my heart will be completely whole and I will be reunited with my daughter whose new body will be whole!

An Invitation

I recently read a blog about community and how sometimes we tend to isolate ourselves on our own “front porch” from Godly community. I’ve heard it said, sometimes the most comforting words one can hear is, “me too.” Hearing someone say those words is normalizing and comforting because you know you are not alone. God specifically designed us to crave intimacy and community. He even gave us an example of what that looks like. Jesus had his disciples in which He did life with. Below is an excerpt from the blog (in)courage...

“I’ve always felt that I deserved people to move toward me to create community...I also recognize that sometimes we’re in places mentally, physically and spiritually that make it difficult to reach outside of ourselves. That means the rest of us have to be getting off of our porches to move toward those who are in that place whether or not they ever get off of their porches to come to us.

There are those of you who are always getting off of your porch and I want to thank you. You’ve taught me how to be brave in community. I’m learning how to live it forward to others who are still afraid to step off of their porches.”

- Jessica Hoover

Whether you are a bereaved parent or not we all tend to stay on our porches in certain seasons. What if God asks us to get off our porch in order to receive a God ordained friendship or word of encouragement?

The annual BASIS breakfast is May 3rd at 10am and is a unique opportunity to be in a safe environment with other bereaved parents.

The BASIS staff has been praying specifically for who will be in attendance at the breakfast. We have been praying that they will feel the Lord’s comfort and a sense of community in new ways. The whole idea of BASIS is to bring people who have had similar experiences (the loss of a child) together to share, be heard and be prayed for. We have seen the benefits of BASIS and want to share it with others who are looking for community.

Today, I ask you two things:

1.) Do you know a bereaved parent, will you invite them to the BASIS breakfast? Offer to accompany them as well. Sometimes being invited is what people need.

2.) If you are a bereaved parent, please consider joining us. You will hear the story of BASIS from former Director, Judy Blore and hear from our newest Director, Don Allison, who is a bereaved parent.

We at BASIS invite you to a morning of honoring and remembering your child’s life, a delicious breakfast, laughter, tears, community and  even some comforting words such as “me too.”

To register click on “Events” on BASIS page or call our office at: (717) 859-4777.

We hope to see you there.

"Jesus Wept." Why?

Mary and Martha, friends of Jesus, sent word to Him that their brother Lazarus was sick.  They were hoping Jesus would come and heal their brother, but to their disappointment, Jesus deliberately did not come until a few days later, after Lazarus had died.  When Jesus finally arrived Mary said to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. When Jesus saw her weeping...he was deeply moved." John 11:33.  After seeing where Lazarus had been laid to rest we are told that, "Jesus wept." When Jesus first heard the news of Lazarus's sickness he said to His disciples, "This sickness will not end in death." John 11:4.  So if Jesus knew in His mind that he would heal or raise Lazarus from the dead, why did He weep?  I believe He wept because of the broken hearts of Mary and Martha.  When our daughter, Crystal, died several years ago, I knew she went to heaven.  I knew that I would see her again and when I did it would be forever.  Yet, my heart was broken because she was gone.  I do not feel that Jesus expected me to just "get over the loss" because we knew where Crystal was and that we would some day be reunited with her. Just as Jesus wept with his friends, Mary and Martha, He wept with us and He weeps with broken hearted  parents today, because the Bible reminds us:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles..." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.

I have found in my ministry to grieving parents that perhaps the most valuable thing I can give to them is not my words of encouragement or words of comfort but my tears.

"Where's Your Faith?

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”   Hebrews 11:1

The eleventh chapter of the Book of Hebrews is known as the faith chapter. It recounts the faith and exploits of great people of the Old testament.  It also records the hardships, trials and great persecution and terrible mistreatment.

Faith is not getting what I want, or having things work out as I planned.  Faith is not even dependent on God fulfilling His promises; for in the Bible's greatest chapter on faith, we find this statement about these people of faith, “Though they trusted God and won his approval, none of them received all that God had promised them; for God wanted them to wait and share the even better rewards that were prepared for us.” Hebrews 11:39-40.

Many of us bereaved parents prayed for the healing of our sick child or recovery for our injured child, and that did not physically happen.  Sometimes there are those who would say that it was because we did not have enough faith.  However, the above Scripture clearly knocks that idea down.

To have faith in God is to have faith no matter what happens! Prayer is not so much getting things from God as it is getting God's viewpoint about things. Seeking the mind of Christ, thinking God's thoughts is not an easy thing to do.  But ultimately we need to have faith in God, not in our ideas about God.

We can never fully understand God, but we can believe that in His time He will keep all His promises and one of those we can cling to in our journeys of grief is that He said, “I will never, never fail you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5

Healing Broken Hearts

Jesus said that, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; ...he has sent me to heal the brokenhearted.” Luke 4:18

 Not only did Jesus say that healing broken hearts was part of His mission, after He  said that he also proclaimed, “These Scriptures came true today!”  Luke 4:20

I don't know about you, but even though I have been a minister of the Gospel for more than forty years, I still have trouble understanding that.  I don't have a problem believing that Jesus cares about my broken heart, but how does He heal it?

Any bereaved parent will tell you their heart was broken over the death of their child.  Hearts are broken over many other circumstances of life,too. So how does the Lord heal broken hearts?  After eight years of mourning the loss of our daughter my heart still aches.  It still hurts.  Sometimes the pain in my heart is very strong.

It is often said that time is the great healer.  So, is that God's remedy for broken hearts; just give it time?  Time does seem to help up to a point and God gives us time and allows it to contribute to our healing.

I have had a few injuries in my life.  I remember cutting my leg when I fell on a piece of glass on a school playground.  The wound bled and required some stitches.  It hurt but after some time it began to heal and the day came when the doctor took out the stitches.  It did not bleed anymore but there was a scar. Over sixty years later I can still show you the scar. (Want to see it?)

The wound of my broken heart from the loss of my daughter is no longer an open wound but there certainly is a scar. It seems that wounds can't heal without making a scar.  Several years ago I came across a song entitled, “Scars Are a Sign of Healing”.

The healing process is more than just passing more time.  God sends the time but He also promised, “I will not leave you comfortless.  I will come to you.” John 14:18

Comfort is part of the healing process.  The Lord  comforts us by coming to us through His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, (or Comforter) which has been given to all believers.  Then, He also brings us comfort through other caring, brokenhearted people.

In our BASIS ministry we have support groups for grieving parents.  In the support group we see one another's scars of a broken heart, and in the process there is some healing.  God finds ways to continue the healing process.

Be Encouragers

Who is your greatest encourager here on earth? As I think about this question I would have to say that those who pray for me are my greatest encouragers here on earth!

What brings you the most encouragement?

When I see people come to know Jesus as their Savior. Also, when I have been helping someone and I see some evidence of growth in their life.

How does God encourage us?

I would like to suggest that He is...

• our Refuge (Psalm 61:2-4)
• our Strong Tower (Psalm 61:2-4)
• our Sheltering Wings (Psalm 61:2-4)
• our Rest (Psalm 61:1-2)
• our Rock (Psalm 62:1-2; 5-8)
• our Salvation (Psalm 62:1-2; 5-8)
• our Fortress (Psalm 62:1-2; 5-8)
• our Hope (Psalm 62:5-8)
• our Redeemer (Isaiah 43:1b)

What can we do to encourage others?

• Pray for them
• Share Scripture verses of encouragement especially from the Psalms
• Listen
• Write notes, cards and emails of encouragement
• Visit
• Keep consistent contact
• Give of our time and resources to others in need
• Walk alongside them no matter what they are facing
• Extend hospitality

Challenge: Remember God's encouragement to you and be an encourager to someone in your life today!

Memory Teddy Bear

When we lose a loved one, sometimes going through their clothes can be very difficult. Did your child have a favorite shirt that you have kept? Clothes hold special memories and often have a comforting fragrance to them.

A friend of mine lost her grandmother and her mom surprised her and her brother one year with a teddy bear that was made from their grandmother's clothes. The teddy bear's body was made from her shirt, the legs were made from pants and the eyes were buttons. To this day this bear is so special to my friend.

This week I worked on recruiting volunteers who sew and would like to bless a grieving child by making one of these teddy bears. As I was compiling my list of volunteers, I received a lot of feedback from people who thought this was such a wonderful idea, therefore I thought I would share it in a blog.

If a bear is not your thing, what about a doll, a pillow in the shape of a car or a truck or how about a quilt?    There are a lot of possibilities to be creative. You can find free patterns online.

Here are a few ideas of how to get started:

- If you know another bereaved mom, invite her to join you on this project. Share memories, sip tea, encourage one another and sew into each other's lives.

- If you are not a bereaved parent, but are crafty with a sewing machine and know a bereaved parent, share this idea with them and that you would like to do this with them or for them. What a beautiful act of "I'm here for you" this can be.

- Do you know a grieving child? Offer this idea to the family. A teddy bear like this can be something they cherish for years to come.

I hope this idea blesses your heart today, and comment below if you plan on making one.

Do You Have Hope today?

Jeremiah, the weeping prophet, has a lot to teach us about hope.

"My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord...Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him." Lamentations 3:18-25.

Jeremiah begins this passage lamenting the loss of everything dear to him. He has not received what he expected from the Lord, but by the end of this passage hope has replaced bitterness and despair.  What transforms Jeremiah's perspective?  His circumstances have not changed in that period of time.  The difference is that Jeremiah's outlook has changed from hoping for something from the Lord to hoping in Him.

Placing hope in the Lord is a decision, an act of faith.  After voicing his despair, Jeremiah chose to remember what he already knew about God.  He knew what God had promised and he knew what God's character was like, so he focused on these instead of his circumstances.  The Scripture above contains more than a description of God's faithfulness.  It is a stark testament of faith in the midst of complete despair.

Hope does carry certain emotions, but placing hope in the Lord is an act of the will in faith.  Learning to place our hope in the Lord in this way is not easy. This may be especially true when we are grieving the loss of a child.  When Jeremiah says, "The Lord is my portion," he is saying the it is God who is sustains and satisfies him, even in the midst of despair.  When we recognize this it frees us from needlessly pursuing things we want Him to give us  or do for us.  We are challenged to believe that relationship with God is more satisfying than anything else. As Jeremiah, we too need to discover the crucial difference between hoping for something from God and hoping in God.

Another important lesson Jeremiah learned was to live one day at a time.  This is an art I too need to learn. The fact that the same burden (grief) will have to be carried tomorrow gets us down sometimes and we forget His daily presence and promise of His daily mercies. When tomorrow comes and we must continue to carry some of the same burdens we have carried for years, from which we may only gain a short relief, we may ask, "Does the road wind up hill all the way?"... and that prospect may depress us.  But if the road does wind up hill all the way God promises not to forsake us.  His mercies and compassions are new every morning.

If there are new needs there will be new grace, new mercy, new comfort and new strength,

and that gives me hope!!

Past, Present and Future

 In the book of Exodus in the Old Testament, God told Moses to tell his people: “You have seen what I did to the Egyptians and how I bore you on eagle's wings and brought you to myself. Now therefore, if you obey my voice and keep my covenant you shall be my treasured possessions out of all the peoples.” Exodus 19: 4-5.

To have confidence in the future and to understand the present, we must take a look at our past. What has God been up to in your life and in the history of His people? What might God be telling you through your own life today? God's presence with you in the past does speak to your present and your future.

Whatever you have been through in the past, God is trying to reach you through those experiences. Whether you would call your past good or bad; God has been there. He is everywhere we turn and He is everywhere we have been, pursuing us to bless us. If you are a bereaved parent God has been there and He will continue to be there, providing blessings in the midst of your grief.

Listen to your life. You are God's treasured possession and He has brought you through your past to the present, to today. God reminded Moses to remind the people that not only has He been with them in the past, but that He is with them now:[“Now therefore...” I learned a few things from English class; that's present tense language. A decision made now has an impact on the future.

In the space industry they have a term, “mid-course correction”. If the rocket is off course they acknowledge the mistake and make a “mid-course correction.” Isn't that what present living is all about?

Looking at our past and wanting a successful future we are given the present in order to evaluate our course in order to make mid-course corrections when needed. The present time is a God-given gift in which to make decisions for the future, and if we “Obey His voice” and “keep His covenant” God promises us we remain His “treasured possession”.

Listen to your whole life; the past, present and future, because God is speaking to you right now as you read this blog. Are you listening? Are you choosing to follow Him now and in your future. He will not fail you or abandon you, for you are His “treasured possession.”

God Speaks to Me Through My Daughter’s Valley of Death

God spoke to me when my 36 year old daughter was on her death bed. My daughter Crystal was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia on her 36 birthday June 14, 2005 and on July 31, 2005 God spoke to me. My husband Don and I were called on a Sunday morning by our son Clay, who had already gone to New York. He told us that Crystal was back in ICU and was not doing so well. My husband called off from work. He was pastor in Lebanon, PA.  We headed to Albany Medical Center in Albany, New York. During that awful trip to New York I was sad and worried about what lay ahead. About half way there God came to me and said; “NOT TO BE AFRAID FOR HE HAD CRYSTAL’S AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.” I could understand Him having Crystal’s best interest even if she died and went to heaven. But it was harder to understand how my best interest would be served.  I sensed His presence and a peace came over me. At that time or ever did I get assurance that she was going to be healed.  It brought to my mind the scripture. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose,”  Romans 8:28.  I continued to sit in silence for about an hour and then I told Don what I had experienced.  We continued our most difficult journey.

When we arrived at the hospital, we were able to go into ICU and visit with Crystal. I am so glad that I got to see and speak to her that one last time, even though it haunts me still. She died about 5 a.m. the next morning on August 1, 2005.  Her Dad and her Husband were with her when she died.  Clay and I had gone back to Crystal’s home to be with Andi, my daughter-in-law and my 4 grandkids.

I believe it was in September 2005, about a month after Crystal died that I felt God speak to me again. He told me to “CONCENTRATE ON THE LIVING.”  He didn’t tell me to forget about Crystal. My son bought me a computer and a printer for Christmas.  Included was a program to scan and print pictures. I proceeded to use that to produce over twenty albums with many, many pictures of Crystal. The pictures are precious memories.

From time to time I still have to be reminded about what God said;  “CONCENTRATE ON THE LIVING” AND  “NOT TO BE AFRAID FOR HE HAS CRYSTAL’S AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART.”

Iris Allison