In Their Own Words...Continued...

The last blog, In Their Own Words, we heard from a few people who had lost loved ones when they were young. I wanted to share with you one more story of a young girl who lost her father when she was 14 years old. I asked her to answer a few questions...her answers are as follows. I hope it gives you a glimpse into how a teenager may feel... Can you tell me a few things that were helpful in looking back when you lost your father?

"Getting back to my normal routine was probably the most helpful. When my father died it was the middle of summer before I went into High School, so it was already full of changes. Everyone wanted to be so watchful over my behaviors and attitudes, but I just want to move on. Sure, I had my grieving time and still do, but I’ve always been a doer so I wanted to get back to playing softball on my travel team and hang out with friends, which was most important to me at the time. Perhaps this getting back to normal was actually a way to pre-occupy my mind."

Was there anything that people said or did that was NOT helpful?

"Without a doubt I hated when people would say, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through.” Even though I would shake my head and say “Thank you.” All I wanted to do was scream, “NO YOU DON’T!” Since I was at the beginning of my teenage years, I suppose I also had a lot of attitude, I also didn’t like people to “baby” me about the situation. I wanted people to speak to me like an adult, tell me the facts about what and how the accident happened. Because of the circumstances of my father’s death, I felt like I was always being talked about when I was around my peer’s parents. Like they would whisper, “Oh, that’s the girl…” I don’t like being the center of attention, so even if I wasn’t really being whispered about it always gave me anxiety that they were."

What would you say kids need when grieving?

"I stayed with my father's family after the accident and found this opportunity to stay with them was very beneficial. Probably because I never spoke to a grief counselor or any other type of counselor about my situation. I found it as a way to be with others going through the grieving process together.  I think doing an activity that reminds one of the person they lost can help with the grieving process. Or even today when I do an activity I might have once done with my father, I think of him always."

Every child and teen grieves differently, but I hope these last two blogs have given us a glimpse into how they may feel after the loss of a loved one.

In Their Own Words...

The last two C2H2 blogs have been focused on development and how grieving children may respond to death and some practical ways adults can support them. I thought it would be interesting to interview a few adults who have had a loved one die when they were young. So, for the next two blogs I will be sharing what they had to say...in their own words... "The main thing I remember is being told how to mourn. My grandfather died after a four year battle with cancer and even though we had plenty of time to say goodbye, it was still sad. My grandmother was of course exhausted from taking care of him and I guess pretty much out of tears by the time he died. She told us we weren't allowed to cry at her house, during the memorial service, anywhere. The ten cousins, to obey, tried to keep things light hearted then would get scolded by our grandmother for not being serious enough. It was very confusing. Kids need to be able to express themselves....guided and monitored, but we can't be told how to express ourselves or we will never feel comfortable or really know how to handle grief the next time it comes."

- Jennifer's grandfather died when she was 15 years old

"Parents should know its okay to talk about the person that died and share memories. Allow kids to talk about things when they are ready. Also, during different times of our lives will bring up different pieces of grief."

- Katie's brother died when she was 10 years old

"Recognize that a child may try to take on the role of the second parent and that the parent has to assure them that they can handle things and for the child to not worry about the adult things."

- Amy's father died when she was 9 years old

As adults walking alongside children who are grieving we strive to support them to the best of our ability. With God's presence, love and guidance He provides what we need. He is with us.

How To Support Grieving School Aged Children And Teens

 

Children  ages 7-11 generally understand a little more about death, although a young 7 year old may need to be reminded that death is permanent but can grasp the concept more quickly. Children at this age can sometimes think in terms of cause and effect. They may think that they did something to cause a death. Therefore, it is important to reassure the child that they did not cause the death and talk about death as being part of the life cycle.

 

Teens often look like adults but we must remember that in fact they are still teens. Teens have a lot going on in their world, it is a time of significant change. They are trying to figure out who they are and what they believe. Peer groups are highly important to teens. Therefore, providing an opportunity for teens to meet other teens who have had a loved one die can be very helpful. Be available to talk but also provide opportunities for another trusting adult (outside the family) to support the teen.

 

Here are some possible reactions and some helpful hints on how adults can be supportive:

 

Children 7-11 years old

 - Have a greater understanding that death is final

- Can view death as punishment

-  At this age children are very curious and may ask specific questions and desire details about death, for example, about the body, etc.

 

How adults can help:

- Answer questions appropriately and honestly

- Encourage expression of all feelings

- Offer choices

- Provide physical outlets to express grief

- Listen and provide a time to talk about the death

 

Children 11 years and older

- Understand death more fully

- Peer group is very important, may be more willing to talk to someone outside of the family

 

How adults can help:

- Encourage verbalization

- Provide choice

- Honesty

- Model, older children and teens look to adults on how to grieve and express emotion

- Be available but do not attempt to fix the situation

- Offer a support group where there are other children and teens who have had a loved one die

 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

 

He is with you. He is close.