Heard on the Golf Course

Heard on the golf course recently: “Believers have some questions and struggles that unbelievers don’t have.” Yes, that’s true. People who believe in Jesus think about questions such as, If God is good, how could this have happened? Where was Jesus the Healer, when my child was sick? People who don’t believe in God at all, don’t ask these questions. In fact, asking a question to God is a statement of faith. If you didn’t believe that He is you wouldn’t be thinking about Him or communicating with Him! I have to qualify my statement above. A friend recently said that before he came to Christ, he was shaking his fist at God, the God he didn’t believe in, because of a serious loss. I know grief is a cross roads for those who have never believed, as it is for people of faith too. I believe God was already at work in this man’s heart to make Himself known. So this man in his grief began to see a glimpse of God’s presence and character.

Grieving believers usually have questions. Other biblical heroes have asked questions too: • John the Baptist asked Jesus – Are You the One who was coming? (Luke 7:18ff) • Job asked - What did I ever do to deserve this (these losses)? (Job 7:17-21 is but one example) • Jesus asked – Please can I get out of this plan!? Can I do something else instead? (Luke 22:39-44) • David penned psalms with moans such as: (How long? Psalm 13; and Why have you forsaken [abandoned] me? Psalm 22) • Moses asked - Why did you make me lead these people!? They complain and make demands all the time! (After the scenes from Exodus 15:24 and 16:2-11, Moses reacts in 17:2b-4)

All these questions revolve around God’s character, power, intent and involvement in our lives. • His character is Love and Light. • His power is revealed in Creation. He made it all and sustains it even now. • His intent for us is that we become more like His Son. That starts with forgiveness and adoption, and He even paid the highest price for that adoption. • He is still every day and every moment involved with us because His Spirit is with us.

As I read the Scriptures, I conclude we are invited to ask all our questions. Nothing is off limits or too challenging or too dumb to ask. Nothing can offend Him. He will respond eventually, though He doesn’t promise to answer the question directly. But He often does come closer to the one asking, and reveals something deeper about Himself to us.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power… to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,.. Ephesians 3:16-18

Michael’s Guitar

At HVMI recently, we hosted a concert with Michael Card. What a wonderful, worshipful night of music and encouragement! I loved it. I had an opportunity to describe to him how much I love interacting with you. I am honored to hear your stories. I hope that something I have said sometime has been beneficial to you. I pray for you and have the names of your children on my list to greet when I get to heaven.

When I described BASIS to Michael Card, he told me a little story too. He has a nephew who died of cancer at the age of 18. Before that, the nephew told his uncle that he wanted to learn to play the guitar. So Michael Card, a world renowned musician, bought a guitar, not the best in the world, but adequate for a beginner. They did share some lessons together before the young man died.

It is that guitar the Michael Card travels with and uses in concert. Why does he travel with a guitar that’s not the best in the world? Because it is attached to his nephew, a precious person loved by his uncle. It is memorial to that life.

You might have something of your child’s that is often, or even always, with you. Do you wear his/her tee shirt to bed? Have you made a quilt or pillow of some of his/her clothing? Did you take a tee shirt or bathrobe and make a stuffed animal? Do you keep their trophies around the living room? Do you wear her jewelry? Have you continued collecting her favorite things? Planted her favorite flowers in the garden? I know a man who even changed his career to continue some of the work his son had started.

What sort of memorials or activities have you incorporated into your life for the love and memory of your child? Each tribute will be unique because you and your child are both unique and your relationship was unique. Each loss is unique. But your idea might help another parent imagine what they might want to do for the love and memories of their child. If some of you send your ideas, I’ll collect them and post them here in a few weeks.

The memories of your child are good things for which we should give thanks. Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow. Because there were blessings during your child’s life.

Another Thought from Rembrandt

Another thought from the Philadelphia Museum of Art exhibit – Rembrandt and the Face of Jesus: the Face of Jesus is full of compassion and human emotion. Historically, artists before Rembrandt painted Jesus with a holy expression in a sort of non-human, even flat, representation. A caricature. Rembrandt changed things. He painted in the early days of the Reformation, when everything about the practice of Christianity was changing. There was talk about the priesthood of all believers, in other words, each of us can pray directly without the intermediary of another human. The Scriptures were being printed (thanks to Mr. Gutenberg and the new moveable-type printing press) and getting into the hands of everyman. Christianity was coming out of the church hierarchy and into the population in general. It was the right time for people to see Jesus as “real” in a new way.

Rembrandt lived in a Jewish neighborhood. I picture him looking at historical paintings of Christ and thinking to himself: that Jesus doesn’t look like my Jewish neighbors! So he painted Jesus looking more like a flesh and blood Jewish man. Which, of course, He was.

And so it is for us now. Jesus is more real than we ever imagined. He has truly lived a real human life in a real human body. He is God in flesh and bone. He has felt everything you are feeling. For real.

Therefore, you are invited to tell Him honestly how it is to be you right now, bereft and confused and whatever you are feeling now:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

Because of who He is, hold on:

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.” Hebrews 4:14

He understands our need to have more evidence or clarity, when life is especially unbelievable:

“Now Thomas … one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, ‘We have seen the Lord!’

But he said to them, ‘Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.’

A week later… he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.’

Thomas said to him, ‘My Lord and my God!’” John 20:24-28

And He will meet you where you are. Eventually, you will see Him and know Him so much more intimately:

“Then Job replied to the LORD: ‘I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.’ You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.” Job 42:1-5

God has made Himself known and available to people who were having a hard time with faith and understanding, just like you. Open your heart. Open your eyes. Wait for Him.

Rembrandt and Grief

Yesterday, I went to see the Rembrandt and the Face of Jesus exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. What a treat! Now, I’m pondering what I saw, and thinking of you, my grieving friends. Here is how I see the 2 themes, the face of Christ and your grief, connecting. One of Rembrandt’s favorite themes was the Emmaus story (Luke 13:32). He drew, etched and painted it several times in different ways. In those pictures, he communicated the surprise of the disciples at the moment Jesus revealed himself.

You can see the bread in Jesus’ hands. You can see that the disciples, in that moment, understand this man with them is Jesus. That’s confusing since Jesus had died very recently but is with them right here right now. So they are surprised, delighted, confused and a bit scared at the same time. And you can see it all in the artwork.

I have written before about this story (blog: The Emmaus Hike) of the grieving disciples who, as they walked along to the next town, talked about their loss and grief since their friend and teacher had been murdered. Their whole life had been organized around following this man, now their lives were in total disarray. In addition to the grief, they had the issue of What To Do Now?! Jesus listened and He shared with them insights about the meaning of those events. Still they didn’t know it was Him. But at the table, when He broke the bread for dinner, a service He had performed in their presence so often, they knew Him for who He is. Rembrandt caught the instant their confusion and sorrow turned to recognition and outrageous JOY. Because He lives.

Another engraving in the exhibit is a rendering of this story (identified as a copy by a student of a lost Rembrandt painting) showing the moment after He revealed Himself, when He immediately disappeared! The looks on the faces of the disciples is priceless! It’s just what you’d imagine – surprise and joy mixed with astonishment yet understanding.

I just want to encourage you to be talking to Jesus as you walk along your grief journey. Tell Him your exact feelings and experiences. Ask Him to surprise you by revealing more about Himself to you as He did to the disciples. You are probably experiencing sorrow, confusion, fear. Ask Him to transform those into delight and joy by showing you Himself. Ask Him to show you what all this means! Ask Him what to do now! Note that the disciples “saw” Jesus, in an ordinary everyday act of breaking bread together. Look for Him in the ordinary things of your life too.

Let’s pray together: Jesus, I am going to walk forward in my grief, as much as I can identify which way is forward and with as much energy as I can find. Just like they did, I’m going to tell you all about my grief struggles. I ask that you walk with me, teaching me. And I ask that you reveal yourself to me, to my heart, as we go along. Thank you for doing this for the grieving disciples so long ago. Amen.

Music Soothes the Soul

Music soothes the soul. You’ve heard that. I experience that, do you? Music can express what we’re feeling but can’t find words for. Sometimes we know we’re “feeling” but don’t even know what we’re feeling or why. Music can touch that place and help us identify what and why we’re feeling what we’re feeling. This is why music is one of the hardest elements of a church service early in your grief. The music touches the places that hurt the most. Most bereaved parents cry during lots of music. Who can sing “Amazing Grace” without tears for months or years after the funeral!?! Music soothes the soul. At a time in his life, King Saul was tormented in his mind. His attendants recommended finding someone who could play a harp well and found David. When he was tormented, the King called for the musician, who played and comforted Saul. “Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better… (I Samuel 16:14-25). (There is a whole other level of meaning one could search out in this passage. Saul had been disobedient and disrespectful to God, God’s spirit left him, an evil spirit entered and tormented him. And it is said this spirit is from God. But I don’t want or need to get into that sort of stuff here. For the purposes of this conversation, we’re focusing on the role of music. Saul was hurting and his people recommended some good soothing music. And it worked to calm his heart.)

Music soothes the soul. Not only does it express what’s in us, it can impress us with a new thought or a new hope! That’s the kind of music a bereaved parent needs to hear! It can be a vehicle of comfort. That’s so valuable when a person is uncomfortable.

I have wondered why music touches our heart so deeply, and this is what I have come up with: The one who wrote the words was feeling something deeply. He worked on expressing that deep feeling with just the right words and cadence to express it so that the hearer “gets it.” The composer was feeling something deeply too. And the music takes that message to the deep parts of the heart of the hearer. It touches our hearts.

I’m not a scientist about these things. I’m sure someone has studied music and its effects more carefully than I. But I’m wondering whether it has something to do with the history of mankind and how important rhythm is. Heartbeats. Rain drops. Babbling brooks. The Angels sang. All are life or life-giving. The music man creates mimics these important things. And it’s almost life-giving. It touches our lives.

One important warning: Since music can impress our hearts and minds with new ideas, it’s important to choose carefully what we listen to. We want comfort and peace and true ideas. We want to avoid music that isn’t life-giving in its sound or message. Be thoughtful and careful about what you give your time and attention to. Once you have done that, listen, let the peace of God enter and comfort you.

Music Speaks

Music can speak deeply to our hearts even when most other things cannot. One of my favorite musicians is Michael Card, because many of his songs do touch the deepest places of my heart. All the songs from his CD "The Hidden Face of God" (2006) do that for me because the theme is “lament.” In my work with you, I share your lamentations and he spoke my feelings in these songs. Read these first lines of several of the songs: • Once there was a soul [Job]so full of shadows that hopelessness was all that he could see…

• How long will You forget, O Lord, How long, How long? How I long to see Your face, O Lord. How long will You hide?…

• In Eden, the darkening garden was still, unwet by all the tears from the sky. The burden of that disobedient bite brought all the tears the fallen world would cry. The unwelcome tears that they never had known coursed down their fallen faces in surprise All they ever had seen was the light of His face but now that sin had entered in, their tears would fall like rain…

• We are not scattered strangers We are one we are free Though we have broken faith and divided we are one family It’s time we wept together…

• It’ll drive a man crazy; it’ll break a man’s faith It’s enough to make him wonder if he’s ever been sane When he’s bleating for comfort from thy staff and thy rod And heaven’s only answer is the silence of God…

• Didn’t see You [God] there. Didn’t know You were weeping too. I think of tears as a human wound Though, of course You care, You’ve shown you were human too…

• If you are wounded And if you are alone If you are angry If your heart is cold as stone If you have fallen And if you are weak Come find the worth of God that only the suffering seek. Come lift up your sorrows and offer your pain. Come make a sacrifice of all your shame. There in your wilderness, He’s waiting for you To worship Him with your wounds For he’s wounded too

He has not stuttered And he has not lied When he said “come unto me” You’re not disqualified. When you’re heavy laden You may want to depart But those who know sorrow, they’re closest to His heart. Come lift up your sorrow…

Mr. Card knows sorrow and expresses it so well. You might have recently said something very much like one of those lines. He is coming to Lancaster to perform a benefit concert (Oct 1) for the ministries of Handi*Vangelism. If you can come from where you are, COME! (details elsewhere in our website). If you can’t be there, get the cd. Through his music, the Lord has touched my heart where it hurts the most. Let the Lord use the music to bless your heart too.

It's His Kingdom

When Tim Sheetz, our ministry director, was scheduled to preach at a church that was having some challenges and discouraging events, this is the message that came to his heart and mind as he studied: His is the Kingdom His is the power

And to Him be the glory when, in the midst of the challenge, we look to Him, our Jehovah Jireh (Provider), our Jehovah Shalom (Peace), our Jehovah Ra-ah (Shepherd – the One Who will direct our paths).

That congregation, that day, was encouraged to learn it’s all about God. How is any of this comforting for you since your child died? Let’s think.

His Kingdom: He gets to direct it, manage everything, including events in your family’s life. The death of your child was within the bounds of His power and love. It is good for the child who gets to enter the gates of heaven. But you must wait, and that’s a source of pain. It’s not that He wasn’t looking or that He couldn’t control things for good. It wasn’t just some random event. God was overseeing His kingdom. If you can’t see it now, wait to see how the Kingdom of God will be impacted by your child.

His Power: He can do whatever He decides is good, because all authority and ability is His to meet every need. Whatever IS is, because of His power to make it so. But it’s not just powerful power. It is power put to work for good of those He loves. His love is evident because He sent His son to die a painful death to pay a penalty for someone else’s bad behavior. He was completely innocent but took the penalty anyway, by choice, because of love. For you and for your child.

His Glory: All the glory from the events in your life goes to the One who does, in fact, rule all in love for us. Look to Him, especially as provider, peace maker, leader.

When we think of heaven, it’s for His glory. When we think of healings during Jesus’ walk on earth, it was for His glory. Those healings demonstrated who He really is. He was glorified as the population became more aware of His true identity. Today too, history tells His story to reveal His glory. The primary purpose of things that happen is not to make you or anyone else happy. It’s for His glory. Yes He loves you with a love that would even go to the cross of execution. But that too is for His glory, not your comfort or convenience. You see, He is the center of history. He is the center of everything. We are not.

But look at what He does for us in the midst of getting His glory. He provides for your material well-being and for your emotional healing. He provides friends who encourage you or make a pot of soup for you. He can give you peace - the peace that can’t be understood, only witnessed or experienced. He gives you peace because you are not alone in your grief. He is with you. He can and will and wants to shepherd you through this valley and all the way to His place in heaven that He’s been preparing for you. It will be ready at just the right time, when you’re ready. And your child will be there to greet you.

Glory to the God of all compassion who comforts us in all kinds of troubles. Thoughts from various scriptures contributed to this line of thinking, including: Psalm 23, John 9 – especially verses 3-5, John 14:1-4, Romans 12:15, Romans 5:8, II Corinthians 1:3, Philippians 4:7.

Reflections on Job - The Bottom Line

Way back in history, about when men first began to record their thoughts in writing, a guy named Job was the CEO of a huge and prosperous family business. Then one day all hell broke loose. Really. Satan let God know he could make Job hate the Lord. The Lord took Satan up on that challenge. So Satan began doing his worst work attacking the CEO! His children all died. His business lost all its assets. His health broke down. His wife wasn’t too friendly either. Friends came to “advise” him on what to do now. Their advice seemed more like salt in his wounds! Job complained to God and asked what was going on! No response. Job did it again and again. Finally God Himself responded to Job’s inquiries with His own voice. The questions were about justice, balance and fairness. Job thought he was a good guy who didn’t deserve all this trouble. And God had actually said he is, in fact, a good guy. The friends imagined that everything in the universe would balance – if you did good, you got good results – like prosperity. If you did bad things, you got bad results – like suffering. Since Job was clearly suffering, he must have done bad things. We know from the biblical story that Job was good, but received bad things, because Satan was trying to make Job hate God.

Job requested an audience with the just Judge, God. “Request” is putting it mildly! Job demanded God’s time and attention. The request itself gives an indication that Job still respected God as One who is just. He still believed God is good. It took quite a long time, but finally God granted Job an audience. So God spoke and Job listened! It’s interesting that He didn’t answer each of Job’s questions directly. He had heard them, but they didn’t need or warrant an answer. God spoke a greater truth to Job.

He said: I created everything. I manage all things. I am God. Who are you? What can you do?

Job was truly humbled. I love what job says: I had heard of you, but now I have seen you. Job knew the Lord before all the losses. He trusted Him and honored Him with worship and sacrifices. But after all the pain and the questions, after clearly and overtly expressing all his mental and emotional anguish, God reveals Himself personally and intimately to our friend Job. Job’s conclusion is: Now I know you so much better!

You are like Job in losses. Like him, you have lost a child. Are you like him by presenting your questions and complaints to the Lord? You can be like him in expressing your honest thoughts to the Lord of all. Go ahead; tell the Lord what bothers you. Then wait. You may have to wait a good while, but I believe He will meet the honest questioner, personally and intimately, just like He met Job. You can get to know Him better through this process. And it’s worth the time and investment.

The first question of the Westminster Catechism says: Q. 1. What is the chief end of man? A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever. Job learned to enjoy God more deeply through all that had happened. You too, can spend the process of your grief moving in that direction. May the Lord meet you in your grief.

Reflections from Job - in God's face

Job lost all his wealth and all his children, then he had a serious and painful health challenge. Since you have also lost a child, you can imagine how massive his grief must have been when he lost 10 children in one event. Yet, His first reaction was to bless the Lord who had given him all those children and his wealth. He had some good friends who came to try to support him in his grief and pain. The friends sat in silence for a week. Job was encouraged and felt supported. Then Job cried out - the condensed version is “I wish I were dead!” So Job’s friends, who had been silent along with Job, now began to speak. They spoke for chapters and chapters with one basic message – you must have done something terrible that offended God since He is punishing you like this. What’d you do? You’d better admit it and repent!

But we know from God’s own description of Job that he was a good guy, even saying his was “righteous.” The friends went on and on with bad advice, wrong accusations and discouraging words. For a while, Job responded to their accusations, trying to defend himself. But that was fruitless, so Job began to direct his comments to God Himself. He lamented his losses. Job’s words were pretty strong. Some complaints. Some confrontational questions. And He began to demand an audience with the God. Who DEMANDS anything from God? Only the brave or foolish. Or one who is grieving very deeply. One who laments.

I want you to notice several things: • Job addressed his questions and complaints to God. He didn’t complain to others about God. He spoke directly to the One with Whom he had a problem. (Reminiscent of Matthew 18:15) • He didn’t turn away from the Father; he turned toward Him with his complaints. Job wanted to see God. He didn’t want to be pacified. He wanted to truly understand the mind of God. • He mourned, but Scripture says he didn’t sin against the Lord. His wife advised him to “curse God and die.” But Job didn’t curse God, he sought Him. • God listened, waited and didn’t black-ball Job for his directness. Or for the power of his emotions in his distress. I am amazed that the Lord didn’t turn away from Job because of Job’s attitude. No, He listened. Then He honored Job with a conversation.

So, after waiting until all Job’s thoughts and feelings, with all their power, were spent, the Lord God Almighty spoke to this hurting man.

Basically He said: I’m God and you are not. Trust me. You were not there when I made everything. You can not manage the earth and the universe, but I do. I am God.

Job was humbled. And satisfied.

If you have questions about how the Lord has managed things in your life or the life of your child, go ask Him, directly. Don’t complain about Him to others, but complain to Him for answers. Be honest with Him – that will lead you to be honest with yourself too. At the right time, the Lord will respond to your questions in the way that’s best for you.

Reflections from Job - Advisors or Vultures

“Sufferers attract fixers the way road-kills attract vultures.” This quote from the preamble to Job, Led by Suffering to the Heart of God (which is a little book containing just the book of Job, from the Message) describes Job’s friends perfectly! (By the way, I am loving reading Job from The Message. It is so relevant and this version is easy to read.)

Isn’t the vulture description so true! Do you remember when your child was a baby, or while you were pregnant? Did total strangers have comments or advice for you? I know I needed advice when I was a new mom or when the kids were in middle school, and other times. But intrusive, unsolicited advice is annoying. It also happens if you have cancer – people come out of the wood work to tell you about their uncle twice removed who had [a totally different kind of]cancer and did some crazy thing and got well, so you should do the same thing.  And I’ll bet it is happening to you as you grieve the death of your child. People have unsolicited advice for you.

Here is another piece of unsolicited advice for you: Don’t listen to most of it. Don’t give it any of your time or mental energy. Job’s friends were obsessed with their point of view – that Job must have done something to deserve all his losses! They assumed that bad things happen to bad people, only bad people. They were wrong. We can see how their assumptions were wrong from the opening scene in God’s court. God calls Job “righteous”. But still bad things happened to him. Job’s friends and contemporaries didn’t have the advantage of the insight given in the recorded Word of God. But even now that we have that written Word, the same point of view is common among people in our present culture. They are wrong too. The biblical view is that you didn’t do anything to cause God to punish you by your child’s death.  John 9 also demonstrates the same truth: Jesus answered that neither the blind man nor his parents sinned to cause his blindness.

So you want to listen to good advice from people who have experienced trials, troubles, suffering and losses, who have also come through it stronger and wiser than before. You want to listen to advice that comes from truth and wisdom – like from the Bible, a great, trustworthy source. You want to listen to advice from people who walk with God.

Friends and strangers will come to you with advice. Some of it will not be very good. Much of it will be based on false assumptions and inexperience. But the Lord will also send you others who will speak encouragement and wisdom that will be truly helpful to you in your grief. Listen to those voices and grow closer to the Lord whom they are close to.   

Here is a sampling of the conversation between Job and his “counselors:”

Bildad: “How monotonous these word games are getting! Get serious! We need to get down to business…. Here’s the rule: The light of the wicked is put out. Their flame dies down and is extinguished. 

… their lives go up in smoke; acid rain soaks their ruins….

Job: “How long are you going to keep battering away at me; pounding me with these harangues?

Time after time after time you jump all over me.

Do you have no conscience, abusing me like this?...

“Still, I know that God lives—the One who gives me back my life—and eventually he’ll take his stand on earth. And I’ll see him… see God myself, with my very own eyes. Oh how I long for that day!  (Job, the Message, verses from chapters 18 and 19)

Job turned from his friends full of bad advice and called out to the Lord. You can too. Next time we’ll see how the Lord answered Job’s call.

Reflections from Job - in God's Court

The council in God’s court - Job 1:6-12 The Angels gathered. Even the fallen one, Satan. God called on Satan first. Where’ve you been? Roaming everywhere. There is a similarity between the picture this gives and a passage in I Peter 5:8: “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Taken together, I get the picture Satan is roaming about looking for a victim to pick on!

So, God knows he’s looking for a victim and asks “Have you thought about Job?” 

God, the Almighty, is the first one to mention Job. God took the initiative. It’s at God’s suggestion that Job becomes the enemy’s next target. I am shocked! God started this “little” confrontation that resulted in so much devastation in Job’s life! God!???! But I thought God was a friend!

Let’s think about a couple more ideas revealed here.  

                Satan wants to have his way. He says, no wonder Job likes you since you’ve blessed and prospered him in every way! “But what do you think would happen if you reached down and took away everything that is his? He’d curse you right to your face that’s what.” (Job 1:11, The Message; I added italics for emphasis)

                God limits and sets the boundaries. The Lord tells Satan to do whatever he can, to disturb Job and make this curse come out of his lips. But the Lord says Don’t Hurt Job.

So Satan does his best to cause that curse. Job lost property and people including all his children. But Job’s first response to all his loss and pain is: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I’ll return… God gives, God takes, God’s name be ever blessed.” (Job 1:21, the Message) He didn’t curse; he blessed God! So much for Satan’s understanding of human nature.

Yes, bad things happened in Job’s life. Bad things happened in your life. Satan wanted to control Job’s circumstances; however, God didn’t give him that control. God is the One in control. Who would you rather have controlling the situation when bad things happen – Satan who wants to devour and destroy you, or God, Who limits the destruction and promises to be with you through it all, and Who promises to redeem, restore and build you up even in times of trouble? God, Who made you, knows you and loves you, is in control for you now, too.

The next step requires a leap of faith since this controlling (in the nicest sense of the word) God has allowed your losses, but He can be trusted. One of the keys to understanding the relationship between God and Job is in Satan’s words: “He [would] curse you right to your face…”  Job has a face-to-face relationship with God! Intimacy and trust. That’s the relationship the Father offers you too. Just like Job, you can have a face-to-face relationship with the One Who limits Satan’s attacks on your household.  Leap and trust and find comfort in His love.

Reflections from Job - the man Job

I want to share with you some reflections on Job – his story, his book. You know his book deals with loss and grief and suffering and, finally, meaning – which gives comfort in his case. Did you know that this book, Job, is the oldest one of the Bible? I think it’s interesting that loss and grief are the topics that were dealt with first in the Scriptures. And at this point in human history, we’re still dealing with them, trying to make sense, to find the key so that all the pieces of life will fit together in a way that answers all our questions.  That thought presupposes that there IS a key. We’ll see. The book is nearly in the center of our Bibles. The topics certainly are at the center of your (if you’re reading this blog) minds and hearts since the death of your child.

The first thing I observe is that the writer identifies Job as a righteous man (Job 1:1). Since I believe God is responsible for each and every word that appears in the Bible, even though they come from the pens of various men, then it is God who identifies Job as righteous. That implies that bad things can happen to good people. Not every tragedy is perpetrated against a person who is evil, sinful, or bad. There just is not a one-to-one correlation between our acts and what we receive from God or the universe. You can’t say that because I sinned then this happened to my child. Oh, and neither can anyone else say that. You may have been accused, like Job is (we’ll see that later), but that accusation has no truth to stand on. Jesus says the same thing in John 9 when the people ask Him why the man was born blind, was it because of his sin or his parents’? Jesus says, neither! Jesus said it happened so that some aspect of the glory of God might be revealed.  God has reasons other that just plain punishment when He plans things.  

God has His reasons for you too. He has plans to bring His glory out of this loss. He plans to show you His glory through the kindness of friends, through His words as they bring comfort to you, through music and creation and the gentle sounds of a babbling brook. He plans to show forth His glory through you as others see you being comforted in Him.

The bottom line for this is that it’s not your fault. And the Lord is in control. (I’ll discuss that next time in more detail.) The Lord, the One who loves you so much He died for you, is superintending your story. Let peace and patience lead you through your grief because there is comfort and glory down the road.

Daylillies

¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering,  the bitterness and the gall. ²⁰ I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. ²¹ Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

 ²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

²³ They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:19-24

 

In church last week, one friend shared that daylillies remind her of the Lord and His compassion. She told us that one bloom lasts one day. But the next day there is another bloom ready to delight us with beauty. The Lord's compassion is like that - sufficient for each day, but lasts for one day at a time. And there is always a supply ready for the next day and its needs.

Here is a photo of the daylillies in my back yard. Look for the buds that are getting ready to be my flowers of compassion for tomorrow. There are abundant lillies, like His compassion for you and me.

So, in grief, you can rely on the Lord's compassion for this day, and a new supply of His compassion for the next. Because you will surely need more compassion tomorrow.

Parallels

Comparing Jesus’ experience leading up to Easter with your child’s experience before his death, there might be many parallels. Certainly, the central person in each story died – Jesus and your child. But how about other parallels?  Jesus’ skin was pierced by sharp spears. Maybe your child had to endure piercings from needles and other hospital devices.  Helpful, beneficial medical intervention can be similar to torture in some ways! Certainly some kids react to needles like it is torture! Jesus and your child suffered in similar ways. Jesus was mocked. Some of your children might have been bullied. Similar. Jesus felt totally abandoned. His friends withdrew from him and His Father “forsook” him. Your child might have felt the same thing – abandoned by friends who felt he was too different because of his illness  – abandoned by you since you couldn’t make him better  – and you might have felt abandoned because your prayers for healing seemed to fall on deaf ears and were not being answered. Similar. 

What can we learn from these parallelisms? Jesus knows what it’s like to suffer physical pain. He also knows mental and spiritual anguish. You probably felt some of these things too. There is the pain that the separation of death enforces. Jesus knows the suffering of being separated from the One He most loved.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet without sin.” Hebrews 4:15

Jesus is our priest, the highest priest. He represents us before the Lord God Almighty. He made a sacrifice for sin that covers us all, everything any of us have ever done. And He represents God to us. We can talk with Him as if we are talking with the Father, but without any intimidation we might feel when we think about talking with the God of all gods! We can come to Him as we would go to a person whom we felt truly understands us. Because He does; because he has been through it all. Including all the troubles your grief generates. He has been through it all.  

Because of the similarities and parallels of experience, “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

I love those words – mercy, grace, help, confidence. You may come close to the One whose heart knows the hurts of your own heart as if He’d been there. Come close.

Closer to the Finish Line

In an earlier blog I mentioned this: …that you are getting closer to the finish line too. You are getting closer with each passing season to that time when you can rest in Jesus’ presence and ask all your questions and get all your answers, or realize that none of the questions or answers is more important than resting there, with Him.

Many times, I have heard bereaved parents say that each passing year brings them closer to the finish line of their own lives. Most Americans don’t take comfort in this thought, but bereaved parents do! It means that they are closer to the time when they’ll be with the child again. It means other good things too:  reunion with others who have died, union with Christ, no more crying or pain, no more questions, greater understanding, clear communion with Jesus and with the child and with other family members.

Bereaved parents don’t want their lives to be over, but they want to be closer to their own finish lines. It is important to live well the days, months and years you have on this earth because those times were given to you by Christ. It’s not just luck or fate, but by Christ who does not make mistakes, who wastes nothing and who has a purpose for you.

A friend’s brother died suddenly this week. He was too young to die. There was no forewarning. He just died at home alone while watching tv. He had no warning. His sister had no warning. But, in God’s providence, his time had come to cross the finish line of his life-race. She is comforted knowing he was ready to “meet his judge and maker unafraid.” He stood before God, clothed in Christ’s robes of righteousness and God said, “Well done.” You all know that my friend will be grieving for a long time to come, but it is good to have the comfort of knowing her brother was ready to enter heaven.

Friend, you know that you are getting closer to the finish line too. You know someone who is already in Jesus’ presence. And you want to be there some day too. But you don’t know when the time of the finish line of your race will come. You may get weeks or months of warning, or not. So just get ready now. You will cross the finish line and meet your Judge and Maker too. You will stand there either in your own robes – that the Bible calls filthy rags (because your robes aren’t perfectly without sin, compromise, or blemish) – or in the robes of righteousness that Jesus offers to give you. Accept the gift and be ready! That’s all it takes. Then, when your time to cross the finish line comes, you will hear the same “well done” and “welcome home” my friend’s brother heard this week.  

Let your child, who went before you across this line, lead you into the presence of Jesus when it's your time to cross the finish line of your life.

Walking in a Garden

In the previous essay I made mention of a group of men walking along, talking over the events of the day. This conversation had a deep impact on 2 of the participants. The third member of this conversation was Jesus, who had just that morning returned to life after being killed.  I want to talk about how similar this is to an earlier conversation between God and man. Adam and God the Creator used to walk and talk in the garden God had created and given to Adam and Eve. The Bible says God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day looking for Adam to have conversation. This verse also ends with a statement of Adam’s attitude of fear and hiding, since he knew he had just disobeyed his Creator. But that’s another point. I think this verse is a clue to the quality of their relationship before the disobedience. They met regularly and walked and talked together. They talked about the events of the day. Adam must have shared some exciting new observations he made about tigers or oranges or whatever else caught his imagination. Maybe he asked about how to manage a certain plant to its best productivity. God must have enjoyed seeing his created image-bearer learning about the world around him – the way I’m excited as I watch my grandchildren learning about their world. Maybe God also tutored Adam in many things –plants and animals, stars and the universe, relationships - until all this was interrupted by Adam’s choice to disobey, which led to his fall from grace.

So that close fellowship was interrupted by sin. But since then, God has been in the business of restoring quality back into the fellowship between God and man. You have been invited into an intimate relationship with your Creator-Redeemer-Father where He knows your every pain and sorrow. Where He’ll always wipe away your tears.  And every cause of every tear. No more of the stuff that causes those tears. Think of all the tears you have shed since your child died. God Himself wants to take you in His arms, close to His heart and to touch your face, wiping away all those tears. He wants to comfort you.

The new earth and heaven where our God dwells and redeemed believing humans will dwell with Him is a garden where fellowship is fully restored and there are no more tears. We travel to this restored garden through a 3^rd garden - The Garden of Gethsemane. This interim garden is where Jesus prayed that the “cup” might be taken away from Him. And it’s where Jesus answered “yes, I will do Your will” to His Father.  The death of Jesus fulfills the Creator-Redeemer-Father’s purpose to bring you close so that He can comfort you.

Can you imagine the close fellowship between Creator and creature in the first garden? That’s what our hearts long for because we were made for this. Do you want to be comforted in your grief by One who loves you immeasurably? That’s what awaits you in the restored garden. You can come to Him for that comfort because Jesus went through the interim garden, saying “yes” to His Father’s plan for restoration. You can know at least some of that comfort right now because of the restored fellowship we can have with Him in this life now, even before we get all the way to the restored garden. He wants to comfort you. 

“We do not want you …to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again… And we will be with the Lord forever.” I Thessalonians 4:13-14,17. See also these references that influenced my thoughts: Genesis 3:8, Luke 22:39-46, Revelation 21:1-5.

The Emmaus Hike

After Jesus’ resurrection, but before people understood what had happened, everyone was confused, especially his disciples. Since Jesus died the evening of the Sabbath, his body was not prepared properly for burial. So the morning after the Sabbath, some women of the community of his friends came to do that proper, common preparation. They found the tomb open and empty. And they spoke with an angel who said He is alive! Wow, that’s something new and unexpected! The women went back and told the men disciples who absolutely didn’t believe the women’s testimony. Because what they said was so new and unexpected, “nonsense” is the Biblical description. A few of the men went to the tomb to see for themselves. They found the tomb empty, just like the women said. The story in Luke 24 says Peter “went away wondering… what had happened.”

Later that day a couple of the guys went walking to the next town, about 7 miles up the road. That’s almost a 2 hour walk, I suppose. They didn’t have iPods so they weren’t listening to music or a podcast. They walked along and talked together. They, too, were wondering what had just happened to their beloved leader who had just died.  A stranger joined them. But he didn’t seem to know anything about all these events, so they told him all that had happened and how confused and disappointed they were.

Then, as they walked along, the stranger began to explain the scriptures from beginning to end and showed them how it all fit together with what happened to their friend. Their hearts burned with excitement and wonder, but they didn’t know why… until the stranger gave thanks for the meal and they knew immediately it was Jesus, the beloved leader who was dead, but now was alive, talking and walking with them!  

Grief can be like that sometimes too. Maybe you’re confused and disappointed. Disappointed about doctors, drivers, family responses, neighbors and strangers (what they said or didn’t say), and with God Himself. Confused about how the life and death of your child fits with God’s promise to bless your family. Just like the disciples, you’re so deeply sad because one you love died. Your loss is so profound. You may be confused about how to live now.

I’m going to suggest that there are also similarities on Jesus’ side of the conversation. The Lord can and wants to break into your confusion with hope. He wants to open your understanding of what He is doing in the world at large and your family in particular.

I suggest you walk and talk with someone who wants to listen. Go about your daily activities and think about things. I suggest you break bread with loving friends. I suggest that you mull over all the details, telling someone who will listen. Tell the Lord Himself, over and over.  As you are doing these everyday things, I believe He will help clear some of the confusion. I believe the Lord wants to reveal to you some degree of understanding of the meaning of your child’s life and death, and of His presence with you. I believe He will show Himself to you in some way. It may be just a small revelation but it can make a huge difference for you. Clearing the confusion, making your heart sing, giving you deeper intimacy with Him and insight into His character. The disciples’ hearts burned with hope as their eyes were opened to who was walking with them. May your heart also burn with hope and peace.

²⁷ And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he explained to them what was said in all the Scriptures concerning himself. (Luke 24:27)   This whole story is told in Luke 24:13-35.

He Knows Your Name

A mom called the office recently. Her son’s birthday is just a few weeks in the future so his name is listed in our newsletter on our Dates to Remember. This list allows people who know one another to remember them in prayer and with cards and messages of hope. We had made a mistake that caused this mom some extra pain. And none of our BASIS parents needs any additional pain! We had misspelled the name of her son. We are so very sorry when this happens. The child is precious, their name represents their identity, it’s important. Accuracy counts. We strive to not let it ever happen because we know it is so painful for our parents. We make sure our newsletter is proofread by at least 3 people. And, knowing all that, we still make mistakes sometimes. Please, if this happens to you, let us know so we can make corrections. Please forgive us for our lack of accuracy. Please let the Lord, who knows you child’s name, comfort you.

Yes, we sometimes make mistakes on important things like the spelling of your child’s names. But our Father does not make such mistakes, ever. He knows your child’s name and identity, perfectly and uniquely. He also knows you and the pain in your heart. As the Father of all comfort, He promises to send messages and messengers of comfort to you. He knows your child’s name and yours.

I am especially fond of these verses:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;    I have summoned you by name; you are mine. For I am the LORD your God,    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; … Do not be afraid, for I am with you;”    Isaiah 43:1b,3,5 NIV

These verses carry one of my favorite Biblical themes: Don’t fear for I AM WITH YOU. These verses also include a picture that shows the quality of relationship we have with our Father, the Lord God Almighty. He knows your name. In fact, He has redeemed you (the picture is that He has paid for your freedom from slavery). And He personally invites you (that’s what “summoned” means) into His presence. He says “you are mine.”  I know no more intimate verse in the Bible. He knows you. He’s called you. He identifies you as belonging to Him, personally. He won’t misspell your name or mix you up with another person, even one who has the same name (there are 41 David Martins in my phone book and God knows each one separately). He knows you. He wants you for His own.

Read these verses with your name inserted. Read them with you child’s name. Then say “yes” to His personal invitation to belong to Him.

The Days Between Friday and Sunday

On Friday, Jesus died on a cross. He knew pain, loneliness and death, and he was the object of complaint and hatred of others. You might have known some of those same feelings surrounding your child’s death. On Saturday, Jesus was in the tomb. His friends were stunned. They were grieving. They were sometimes together, like you and friends and family were together after your child’s death. Milling around in someone’s living room and kitchen, picking at some food someone brought in, unable to taste. Unable to sit for more than a couple minutes at a time, afraid to leave in case someone called to say it was all a mistake! Sometimes they may have been alone with their thoughts of disbelief and disappointment. You too, may have thoughts of disbelief and of disappointment. Disappointment that God, the good God you thought was in charge had let your child’s death happen. The good God whom you know can heal, didn’t heal and prevent your child’s death.

And on Saturday, God the Father was a bereaved parent, like you. I know He knew the plan, but I also know He had never ever had a moment of time when He didn’t have fellowship with His Son. He was bereft. He experienced the separation from His beloved Son, like you are experiencing the separation from your beloved child.

Then, on Sunday, HE AROSE from that tomb, back to life again. The Resurrection. The grave doesn’t win, resurrection does! That tomb is not the end of the story. This life and death are not all there is!

Jesus’ resurrection is proof there is life beyond the grave. It proves Him - the One who is risen is worthy that we trust His words and teaching. It gives us hope.

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him… And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.”  (I Thessalonians 4:13-14, 17b,18)

It gives us hope because there is life beyond the grave and Jesus wants to give it to you. These few sentences from Paul’s letter to the Christians at Thessalonica say we are supposed to encourage each other with talk of the resurrection and of heaven. So I’m talking! Jesus died, for real. He rose again, for real. Because of that, you have real hope for each day.