The Last Dinner Meeting

Easter is coming. Resurrection. Hallelujah! But first, there is death.

And before that Jesus hosted his final dinner meeting with His closest friends (John 13-17). He told them many things about his impending suffering. Their reaction:  Naw! That can’t happen!  They weren’t really listening to Him.

This dinner meeting went on for a few hours. He washed their feet. He talked and taught. He prayed for them – and for us! That night, the night the downward spiral began that led to the humiliating and agonizing cross, he prayed for all His followers in future history. That’s us! He prayed for us! He was going to die at the hands of the Roman-Hebrew conspiracy, but He was thinking about us!

Jesus was not focused on self or self preservation. He wasn’t focused on pain avoidance or pain relief. He wasn’t focused on anything but mercy to you and me, knowing He had to go all the way to the cross as his Father asked. His teaching that evening was all for the benefit of His followers. He taught that He’d be leaving very soon and the method of His departure would be very troublesome; that He would prepare a place for us; that He’d send His agent to be with us always (the Holy Spirit); and that He wanted us to remember all this after He’d gone. The disciples couldn’t understand, really. It was beyond their ability to comprehend until the events actually came to pass. But He prepared them anyway.

He said in that prayer: “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” (John 17:24) These events and their impact for us have been in the plan for a long time!

How does all this intersect with your grief? From before the creation of the world, Jesus was planning to give us reason for hope. From the instant the death sentence was pronounced on Adam for his disobedience, the Father was planning to redeem everything that had been broken. The cost for that renewal was very high – the life of His Son, who is God Himself contained in the flesh. But because Jesus wanted you to be with Him and to see His glory, the Father and Son were willing to pay.

He has always focused on our benefits. Somehow, the death of your child fits into this picture – God wants to shower us with His benefits. He created Life. Now He is recreating life, even for you after the death of your child. Certainly there is life without sorrow in eternity, when you can be where Jesus is. But I believe He is offering you a life that starts here and now that can be described by words like “hope” and “resurrection” and “seeing His glory.”  

You may be reacting like the disciples: Naw, that can never be! Like the disciples, it’s hard to comprehend how His benefits apply in your life after your loss. But He has been preparing for you because He wants you to be with Him (and His Spirit with you) and for you to see His glory. Keep your eyes open. He is working for your benefit right now.

Rapid Changes

Before His death, Jesus experienced the triumphal entry. From Triumph, where the crowds were FOR Him, to trial and execution, where all the people, powerful and ordinary alike, were AGAINST Him. Such a big change in less than one week. Jesus had a good idea that his immediate future wasn’t going to be easy. But He faced all this quietly, waiting for God to unveil his purpose and process for all to see. Do you feel there are any parallels between His experience and yours? You probably didn’t lose your child by execution. Do you feel like you expected the course to go one way, but suddenly things changed? Were you confident that healing would be the outcome, but what God has given is death? Do you feel maybe doctors were more optimistic than truthful with you? Or were some of your friends and spiritual counselors speaking of healing and good days ahead, but the days ended? Did your child rally the last week, so you thought he was over the worst of it, ready to get out of the hospital and back to school? Just like the people of Jerusalem, we can see signs and misunderstand what they mean. In the last days of your child’s life, did things change direction much too fast?

For some of you there may be parallels even more striking. There may have been violence at the hand of another, or even self inflicted wounds. You were probably totally surprised by those events. A different kind of sudden change of direction. 

The people celebrating Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem were celebrating a triumph, but it is one that God didn’t promise or bring to pass. He didn’t have political conquest in mind, but the more permanent spiritual conquest of death. The people misunderstood God’s plan and purpose in these events. They were misled, and misunderstood what was about to happen. We can misunderstand too. We can misunderstand the medical situation and we can misunderstand the spiritual situation.

If your experience during your child’s illness or the circumstances of their death included this kind of disappointment and confusion, what is there to learn from this part of the Easter story?

• Jesus waited quietly until events unfolded according to God’s plan. He trusted God his Father with the details.
• He trusted the Father’s heart, even when it seemed details were going terribly wrong. Where was Justice in His trial?
• Jesus willingly went forward into the darkness of death, trusting there was light and life on the other side. In fact, he had said I’ll destroy the temple and rebuild it in 3 days. I don’t’ think the disciples had a good understanding of what that meant until after the 3 days in the grave! So, with us, we may not understand the meaning that will come out of events, for a long time. But we know and can trust the God who does create that meaning.
• After His death, his friends and family gathered together and supported one another and waited. Then they began to see some little signs, then bigger ones about what it all meant. It meant the gates of heaven are open wide for all who will believe.

I am going to encourage you to gather with people who love you and loved the child, and wait. Look for signs of what God will do to comfort you and to give greater meaning to the child’s life and death. It won’t mean the redemption of the whole human race, of course, but their death will not be wasted. Your child has meaning, as does your grief. So wait and look for the signs.

A bereaved father said: we prayed for a miracle, and we received one. Not the one we hoped for (his life on earth) but a real miracle still (his life everlasting)!

False Accusations

One scene from the week before the first Easter is in the court at which lying witnesses falsely accused Jesus of political insurrection.  (Matthew 26:59ff) Jesus faced those false accusations and refused to argue. The accusations didn’t deserve His attention. You, too, may have some false charges placed against you. Someone in your community may accuse that you did or didn’t do some special treatment, or didn’t see a doctor soon enough or you didn’t see a certain doctor or you didn’t try certain alternative treatments or you or they missed something and so on, and so on. You also may accuse yourself of all this and more. Jesus’ false witnesses were set up by the court. Yours could be set up by the enemy of your soul.

Roman soldiers mocked Him with “royal” robes and a crown of thorns. Mocking like this is another kind of false accusation. (Mathew 27:27ff). The priests and teachers mocked Him saying: he saved others, but can’t save himself. Not true. He chose to not save himself. He could have. But He gave His life, voluntarily. He chose to save all of us instead of saving himself. It was so dramatic that a soldier concluded: surely he was the Son of God (Matthew 27:54) because of what he saw.

Neighbors may accuse. We can accuse ourselves. And we have the Enemy who is also known as the Accuser. He sits on your shoulder whispering in your ear. You’ve seen the cartoons representing this. The accusations come from every direction. What can a grieving parent do?

Like Jesus, you can meet the accusations with truth. You don’t need to argue or prove yourself to anyone else. Just know the truth in your own heart and head. Here are some general truths that apply:  1. Jesus loves you. 2. You made every decision during your child’s illness based on all the information and wisdom you had at the time. 3. The Bible says the number of days of your child’s life was planned from before the foundation of the world (Psalm 139:16).  4. You can’t extend that plan by one minute by worrying. (Mathew 6:27)

Jesus chose to go ahead to the cross and through the tomb, for you. So that, now in grief, you can have hope for heaven because His death can redeem you from the penalty of sin and because His resurrection proves Life wins. Since He’s done all that don’t let the accuser get to your heart. Trust that God has been in it and with you all along the way. Believe that His purposes are good – because He says so. Jesus knows that feeling of being falsely accused of something, just like you. He’s such a good friend. Talk it over with Him. The hymn says: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our … griefs to bear… Take it to the Lord in prayer.”

One Month to Easter

Some of you may be involved in the music ministry at your church. You are probably already practicing all the glorious Easter music. Are you comforted by what you’re singing? Some of you who have always participated in the choir or other worship music may be having a hard time with the music of worship most Sundays. I have known some habitual participants who have taken a “leave of absence” during their grief because of their raw emotions. It’s common for grieving parents to shed tears or be unable to sing certain songs because of the memories they induce or because of the message of the song. Nearly every parent can’t sing Amazing Grace because of the emotions generated by that great message of redemption. The music of Easter focuses on death and redemption. You have experienced death in a personal way. You hope for the resurrection and want proof. So Easter hits very close to home, close to your pain. The stories hit your sore spots and hurt, though the message is also your source of hope. I am not talking about bunnies and spring colors; I’m talking about the prayer in the garden, the trial, the mocking, the painful death – and the resurrection! Easter is an emotional time for bereaved people.

Let me encourage you to really put your heart into the next 5 Easter worship services. Listen to the messages of scripture leading up to the cross and resurrection. Hear how Jesus faced His own death. Hear how He wanted out of it but then yielded to His Father.  See how badly others treated Him, but how he patiently kept going forward to a painful death. See how He focused on eternal things and on how this all fit into redemptions’ big story. Feel the Resurrection! Know He lives. Think about what that new life means to you now that you have faced death.

There is a lot of pain in Easter, as we think about Jesus’ painful decisions and about the physical pain He experienced. There’s pain for us as we remember that He did this because we’re sinners and need a redeemer. In some sense it’s because of us that Jesus was required to go this route. There’s pain just thinking about one fellow human going through this pain while another human being hammered in the nails! And seeing, thinking about death always causes confusion and psychic pain.

But all our hope is rooted in Easter – The Resurrection of Jesus. That one event does at least 2 things for us:

• It guarantees that there is life beyond the grave.
• It redeems all who confess ourselves as sinners. It “buys” our freedom from the penalty we rightly deserve in the courtroom of eternal justice. It gives us a ticket into heaven and the requisite robes of righteousness. We’re ready for the Celebration Banquet in heaven because of the cross and resurrection.

For me, this blog can only end with this thought: Hallelujah! So while you’re practicing Handel’s Messiah or if you get to hear it this Easter season, sing the hope you get from the resurrection, even in your grief. It’s for a time just like this that He died. Hallelujah.

Trust When It Doesn't Make Sense

I recently read a book that is not a grief book! That’s remarkable since I read mostly grief books. Anyway, this book is by and about a woman who loves Jesus, is married to a wonderful man who loves her back and who ministers to hurting people in various situations. It’s because of her losses that she has entry into the lives of those hurting people. She does know great loss, but she is not a bereaved parent. I hope that, even though she is not, you will “listen” to some of what she has to share.

Gracie, that’s her name, was a college student when she was in a horrible auto accident. It’s amazing she survived at all, but “every bone in her body below her waist” was broken. Many surgeries later, much pain later, she lost both legs below the knee and wears 2 prosthetic legs. She’s in pain all day every day. She also speaks to large audiences, sings to the glory of God, and travels to remote places – but mostly Africa- bringing wheel chairs and prosthetics to people who need them.

In the book, this quote hit me between the eyes: “I don’t have to go and look for purpose and meaning in my difficulties. The things I deal with don’t even have to make sense to me. They make sense to God, and I trust Him.”

She elaborated on why she trusts the Lord. Because He loves her, and you too. Because He gave up His son FOR her and for YOU. Because He (the Son) willingly gave His life for you. He endured the pain and humiliation of a brutal execution, as an innocent man. (Think about that pain and that injustice for a few minutes.) He did it FOR YOU. For Gracie and for you. He made you, gifted you, knows your every weakness and misstep, and redeemed you.

I often hear from bereaved parents, the “it just doesn’t make any sense.” Gracie has been there and has concluded it doesn’t have to make sense before she will live the life she has. She just lives in the reality of it. Many of you may not be ready to live in the reality of it. But that might be a good goal. Would that be a good place to live? For many of us, God will not give us clear answers as to “Why?” And “What was He thinking?” questions. He may expect us to come to a place of trust – trust His heart, the heart that gave up His only Son for you. Trust the love that drove Him to do that, even though that love does not make Him explain Himself to you. Can you trust the One who loves you that much? Yes, He is trust-worthy. You can trust that the things that have happened in your life make sense to Him.

I trust Him even when I don’t understand Him because of this: “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:31b-32

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

The future comes only one day at a time

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.   - Abraham Lincoln A friend had this posted on her facebook this week. It got me thinking. If you knew the future, would you have chosen not to give birth to your child? If you knew the future would you have done something different on the day he died? If you knew the future, would you just bury your head in the sand, like an ostrich, because it’s dangerous out there?

It’s a very good thing that the Lord does not give us very much information about our individual futures. But what He does say is priceless. He says there will be trials and difficulties. He says He will be with us through it all. He says He intends everything that happens, to bless us and make us more like Christ. And He says he is preparing a place in His heaven for those of us who believe that He and the Father are one. That’s the end destination of the future, to be with Him. (references for these thoughts include: James 1:2, I Peter 1:6, Matthew 28:20, Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:29 “to be conformed to the image of his Son,” John 14:1-3)

Here’s something else He says about the future:  

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

Your heavenly Father knows that you need [these things]. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:27, 32-34

 The “Judy translation”: Don’t worry about tomorrow. There is too much to worry about anyway. And it won’t add a moment to your life either. God knows what you need and will provide. So seek Him and everything else will be ok. 

Lincoln speaks wisdom when he says the future comes one day at a time. He gained that wisdom from hard things in his life and a “simple faith” which he described as “good enough for me.” He and his wife had 4 sons, but 2 of them died. One died before Lincoln became president. The other, Willie, 11 years old, died in 1862 during the height of the Civil War. Can you imagine the weight of the war on the president, and then add the death of his son??!! No wonder he is glad the future doesn’t come any faster than one day at a time.

Our Lord promised to provide comfort and strength and hope for us, one day at a time. Like he provided manna (food) one day at a time for the Israelites in their desert travels, so He provides for us daily, but not in advance for tomorrow’s troubles. Take your grief journey one day at a time and watch Him provide you with the comfort you need that day. He is faithful.

How Many?

“Then people brought little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.” Matthew 19:13-15

Parents invariably are asked this question – “How many children do you have?” Bereaved parents don’t know how to answer. If they count the one who has died, they may have to explain all about the death even if the time and place seem wrong for such a discussion. Also, it’s risky to bring up this topic to someone you don’t know because you don’t know whether their response will bless you or cause pain for you. But if they don’t count the one who died they feel like they are discounting and minimizing the importance of that child. It is a real dilemma. It’s the parent’s right to decide how to answer. The answer might be different every time, tailored to each situation.   

Here are the guidelines I have learned from parents in the many discussions I’ve had over this question:

• You get to choose whether or not to mention the one who died based on whether you want to talk about it here and now.
• You get to decide what is in your best interest whether or not it makes the other person uncomfortable.
• You might find a good answer to this question that’s comfortable for you. Something like one of these– we have 3 children and one in heaven; we have 3 living children; we have 2 boys and one girl and one little angel.
• A similar question is “what do they do?” You might say: one is an engineer, one is a mother and one worships God in the courts of heaven.
• If you bring up that a child has died, you have to be willing to have that be the end of the discussion, or the beginning of a different discussion altogether!
• Just as all parents tell stories from years past about their children, when it relates to the conversation at the moment – for example, they’re talking about pee wee football and how funny some practices are, and your child played in a pee wee league and you remember when one day… - you can choose to tell a story about your child, even though he is no longer living. If it makes others in the group uncomfortable, that’s their problem. And if you keep telling stories at appropriate times, your acquaintances will become more comfortable with your stories and memories.

As a quick observation relating to the last point, the whole Old Testament is telling stories about someone who died, and telling about what we’ve learned through their lives.  The New Testament was written as “current events”, mostly, but now we read it as stories about people who have died. We tell those stories again and again because they instruct us on how to live today in the Light of Christ. They tell us, among other things, that God is with us always. You can tell stories of your child, even though he died, to encourage, to laugh, to remember some profound insight you learned from the child. Tell me a good one!

HELP!

“I will lift up my eyes to the hills--- where does my help come from?? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.”              Psalm 121: 1. Where are you looking for help? Are you looking to the internet? Local friends or family? Books? Other parents? As you look for help, do you sometimes cry out in despair like this writer? Where??? Where will I find help? WHO! Who in the world will help me??? The writer looks to the hills. On the hilltops, all kinds of altars were built to all sorts of “gods.” That’s little “g” gods. Though he looks to the hills, that’s not where this writer finds his help. He finds help in the one true God, maker of heaven and earth, whose temple was in Jerusalem and who is with us always by the Spirit.  

For us too, in this day, we must be discerning when seeking spiritual help.  Even friends or family can give you advice that’s based on false assumptions. There are bad preachers. There is bad theology, especially around the problem of suffering and of life and death. There is the false gospel I’ll call “prosperity”: if you live a good life all in your life will be good. Job faced that misrepresentation of God’s intent and work in his life. There is the school of false thought that says if I pray with the right words in the right attitude, God can do nothing but grant a positive response to my prayer. I believe God gets to decide who, when and how to deal with our requests. He decides. He heals, but not always. He has His plan for each of us which takes some of us over a very rough road. The over-arching principles that He has revealed as the direction of His plans are: that we become more like His Son Jesus, and that His glory and character is apparent. Look for help in His truth.

For me to say “be discerning” is a huge assignment at a time like this, in your grief. Since it’s hard to concentrate due to grief, all mental activity is hard. Here I am asking you to be discerning. Even worse, I may be asking you to grow more discernment than you have been till now. But growing deeper in your understanding of God and His mercy and His agenda is our life long assignment from Him and it is not cancelled for us because we’re grieving. He promises to give us His Spirit as shepherd, guide and teacher. He will help you in this difficult mental activity to grasp the difference between His help and some counterfeit help that comes along. Take it slowly and prayerfully and He will guide you through this chaos of emotion, this grief, this valley of the shadow of death. After all, He has identified Himself as the Light and the Truth. He will help you discern between ideas that come from other “gods” and those which are true.    

Learn to discern. Look to the true God and He will comfort you. He will guide you. He will never leave you alone. He is trustworthy, because His promises are true. He will restore you. Your real help along this path of grief comes from the Lord.    

(Here are some scripture referred to in this discussion: the Book of Job, Romans 8:29, John 9 especially verses 1-3, John 10:11-12, John 14:6, Philippians 1:6)

Cast Your Cares on the LORD

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;he will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22

“Cast”: is that like a fisherman throwing his net? To catch fish. To catch encouragement, strength and hope. It seems like a good image for grieving people. Throw out your line to catch some encouragement. Sometimes you know where to throw out your line because you know the fish have been biting there. Sometimes you do not have that much knowledge but you throw it out into the water, hoping, because you are so needy. Fish with either a line – with a specific question that you want to discuss with God or a friend or another bereaved parent. Or fish with a net – seeking the first bit of comfort that meets your eyes, ears or heart.

In grief, you know some specific places where you can get encouragement, good information or a good swift kick. (There’s a time and place for a good challenge to move forward too.) You can go to church, call a good friend who knows you and knows grief, read certain specific books or websites for insight. You can listen to certain music, read and ponder certain passages of scripture. You can pray, with open hands and open heart, ready to receive the Lord’s word to apply today in your present stage of grief.

Sometimes in grief, though, you’re so desperate and can’t connect with known specific sources at the moment, so casting a wide net is what you need to do. In addition to sources listed above, I’ve also found encouragement from a walk in the woods, from a sunset, from some snippet of a conversation on the radio. It may have had nothing to do with grief, but it led to a thought that led to another idea that gave great encouragement.

Ask the Lord for awareness and openness so that He can speak to you, He will lead your thoughts. Note that the New Testament version of this idea, below, mentions that it’s important that we humble ourselves before the Lord. Asking is a humble position. Ask Him for insight and encouragement, then stay tuned for the “catch of the day.” Ask Him for encouragement as needed each day.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. I Peter 5:6-7

Love Never Dies

We all knew when we became parents that parenthood came with few instructions and lots of dangers amid the many joys and pleasures of the job. You bereaved parents have met the worst of those dangers, not voluntarily and still without instructions. Here are some of the land mines that are on the road through the valley of death’s shadow:

• How many children do I have?   
• How can I be loyal to his/her memory and still invest in life going forward?
• Love remains, but what do I do with this love since they are not here?
• My mate isn’t meeting my needs as I had expected.
•  And more questions.  

I want to deal with others of these questions in later writings. (Am I becoming like the tv programs that try to entice you to come back another time by dangling such morsels for you, just before they sign off?) Today, let’s talk about what to do with the love that remains for the child.

You loved that child, no matter how many days you were given to watch him grow and to grow with him. Most of you would have given up anything – including your own life – to give him a better chance at survival and life. You wanted the best of everything for your child. That’s what love is: wanting the best and sacrificing to get closer to that goal for the one who is loved. Parents have said the love hasn’t died, just the one who is loved. Here are some choices I have witnessed parents make because they loved their child:

• changed careers to more reflect shared interests between parent and child.
• invested time and resources in a cause that the child believed in.
• established something in the child’s name – a building, a foundation, a scholarship, a garden
• added learning about grief to the experience of grief, to be a better comforter to other bereaved parents or people with other losses.
• took up a career in the medical field to help other children survive certain diseases.

I’ve had discussions with parents about how they tend and nurture the grave. It’s because they would be taking care of the child, so now they are taking care of one thing that represents that child – the grave. They may plant flowers. They may clip the grass with hand clippers or even scissors. They may take seasonal decorations and place them on the grave even though the cemetery “cleans” them up periodically. They may wash the stone! They may leave their own trinkets on the stone, as other visitors also do. One dad left pieces of hard candy on the stone, because he always has his pockets full for little children in his life. Next time he visits the grave, he notices how those candies have been traded for  trinkets left by others who quietly visited the child’s grave. These parents, universally, say they know the child is not there, just the body, but the grave is still some kind of tangible connection to him.

So, the love remains. This is one element of your grief for which you have choice over what you do. You can choose to spend the love constructively in your family and community. Or not. There is danger in not deliberately directing your love constructively. Undirected, the left over feelings, that used to be active love, could lead to some destructive behaviors – anger, substance abuse, break down, destruction of property. Please make decisions and choices towards positive things you want to have associated with your loved one. Let the love that remains be expressed in ways consistent with Paul’s description of love: 

“[Love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” I Corinthians 13:5-7

In a Snow Covered Landscape

Where I live, after a snowfall, it usually melts within a week. But not this year. We have had a weekly snowfall for at least 6 weeks and the ground has been covered all that time. It’s not normal for us.

The other day I was out driving about a half hour before sunset. The sky was grey and the ground was covered with a white blanket. In other words the whole universe was monochrome – grey/white. You could even say it lacked color at all! It was hard to determine where sky and snow-covered field met. Except for the naked tree line.

But in the boring, color-lacking landscape there was just a glimmer of light and color from the sun. It was near sunset and on the almost indiscernible horizon there was just the barest hint of pink and yellow. But in that colorlessness, this bare glimmer, this molecule of light was really present. It was strikingly beautiful because it was so unique in that landscape. This littlest bit of light and color actually made a big difference in my heart. It gave birth to hope. Hope that spring will come. Hope that possibly the sun is still out there above the clouds. Hope.

Grief can be like that. Life is not normal. The landscape is just one color – the color of pain and heartache. This feeling can go on for weeks and months. Bereaved parents tell me they can get quite tired of this feeling. The heaviness of it can get boring! It can be hard to distinguish any markers in the landscape of your grief that indicate progress. But just like those molecules of pink and yellow light, there are signs for you too. Signs that God is present and that He cares for you.

What signs have you noticed? Someone sent a card that said the right thing for that day. You saw a beautiful sunset yourself and felt the slightest delight in it. Your heard or read a story that gave a glimmer of hope to your heart. A bit of music or an old hymn that you’ve sung often, but hadn’t noticed the words that now are giving you a barest glimmer of hope. God is still present, though maybe masked by clouds. The Lord, true to His word, does care for you and your heart ache.  

If you haven’t noticed even one molecule of hope shining in the landscape of your grief, can you just believe that all the bereaved parents who have gone before you have found hope again. Can you hold on just because others can testify that the Lord sent His light into their pain? He is still present above the clouds. You may have a hard time seeing Him now. He will send you little glimmers of light one molecule at a time. I can say this because He has promised never to leave or forsake you.  

“Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you.” I Peter 5:7

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12

“For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light.” Psalm 36:9 (check the context here, Psalm 36:5-10 for more hope)

On Forgiving

…Which may be an idea you have to deal with in your grief -          In case of murder or other traumatic death.           In case of blaming anyone: doctor, driver, person who died…           Just in case forgiveness is an issue in your grief.

Here are some Scriptures to guide our thinking -

Jesus, in the prayer He taught us:  Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.  Matthew 6:12 (NIV)

Or: Forgive us our sins, as we also forgive everyone who sins against us. Luke 11:4 (New International Reader’s Version)

Jesus, from the Cross: Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  Luke 23:34

Paul says, in some of his letters to the young church: Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Colossians 3:12-14

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  Ephesians 4:31-3

Jesus taught forgiveness in principle. Then He demonstrated it by forgiving those who offended Him deeply, I mean those who nailed Him to the cross itself! Then Paul taught it. What reasons did Paul give us to persuade us to forgive?

• Because we’re dearly loved.
• Because we have been forgiven and so should forgive another.
• Because we should obey the Lord.  

Being in grief does not relieve you of your responsibility to obey this command. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. But the Lord who has commanded you and me also loves and strengthens us to do His will by His spirit who dwells within His children. He will enable you. And, finally, He is the One who also forgives you when you fall short of this high expectation. He will forgive and cleanse you of all your faults. Since you are forgiven so generously, you can forgive those who have offended you in the death of your child or in your grief since her or his death.

Forgiving others is more than just a command, something to do to please the Lord. There is also much in it that is good for you! You will be relieved of the burden of carrying that bitterness. You will be free of the difficult task of making sure that person knows what they’ve done. You will be released from the need to make the scales of justice balance. You will be free to begin creating your new normal. You will be blessed.

Forgiving others, even those who were involved in your child’s death in some way, is a command and it would be good for you. It’s not easy. It’s not a quick fix. It is a process and you can wait to enter that process until the Lord moves in your heart to make it the next priority in your grief journey. Ask Him: “What’s next?” If it is to begin forgiving, be patient with yourself and lean into Jesus for guidance and courage to do this. It will be freeing for you. May God bless you in this process.

Psalms for Despair

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.

“Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; in you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

“My heart has turned to wax; it has melted away within me.

“But you, O LORD, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me.  

“For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help.

“For dominion belongs to the LORD and he rules over the nations." Psalm 22:1-5, 14b, 19-21, 24, 28

Have you felt this same degree of despair? Have you felt like your heart was melted like wax – just a puddle of emotion, not functioning? This psalmist says he has cried out to God for help but still feels completely overwhelmed. Yet he also knew the Lord was not far off. He reminds himself of God’s history with His people. God has been a faithful help, not disappointing them but rescuing those who despair.

I love the last 2 verses: that the Lord does not “dis” the pain – He doesn’t hate it nor diminish it. The psalmist makes note that God has not looked away nor pretended that this is not happening.  He is comforted as he reminds himself that God is in charge. Are you comforted to know that the God who loves you and gave up His son for your redemption, is in control of your present circumstances?   

Next the writer trusts the Lord so comfortably that he freely and without restraint shares with the Lord all the things that burden him. The same frame of mind is expressed in Psalm 55:

“Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea: Hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught… My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”        Psalm 55:2,4.5,22 

Then in the New Testament too: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”   I Peter 5:6

Finally, below is Psalm 42. Are these words your words? In your pain, despair, depression and “overwhelmedness,” do you thirst for God? Or even for what He offers you – to deliver you, to give meaning to your loss, to make “good” come out of it? As you seek Him, He will do all those things and so much more. We pray the last 2 lines for you: when you are downcast, that you will remember the blessings He has already given you and the blessings He has given His people down through history. And that those memories will be a source of comfort to you now.  

“My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God  My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’

“Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. "My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you.”    Psalm 42:2-3,5-6

New Things in the New Year

His compassion is new every morning. That’s good. The Lord is offering us other new things that we can think about now, in this new year. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees.” Ezekiel 36:26-27

New life: “…just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”  Romans 6:5 

“For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant.”  Hebrews 9: 15

A new home: “My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”  John 14:2-3

Everything new: “‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’ He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’” Revelation 21:4-5

The Lord, your God, who loves you beyond all measure, promises you a new heart in exchange for your broken one, so that you can live a new life within a new covenant relationship with Him. And while you’re getting used to that new relationship with Him, He is preparing a new home for you in a new place where everything that hurts you now no longer exists. No Pain. Neither illness nor death. No more tears. None of this grief.

In this year, as it progresses think about it being movement toward that new life. Rather than taking you farther away from your child in this life, time is taking you closer to Jesus, and your child who is with Him and that new life in Christ.

New Year; New Pain; New Blessings

Have you heard the old saying – Today is the first day of the rest of your life? Today is the first day of a new year. Some bereaved parents have said that there is a little extra sorrow on the day you turn over the calendar. Somehow it seems as if you are a little farther away from your child because he or she didn’t live in this year. I’m sorry for that new layer of pain.

So I want to acknowledge that it’s a new year with a new little bit of pain. There will probably be other new griefs in your grief. But there are also new blessings available to you for each and every day all year.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” Lamentations 3:22-24

See that your job is to wait. This is not a passive or generalized waiting. It is waiting for Him and for His action and intervention in your grief, for your healing. Wait.

May you, in your waiting, know Him better and feel His blessings flow abundantly.

Blessings in this new year.

The First Christmas Parents

I re-read the Christmas passages in the Gospels of Matthew and Luke. Matthew focuses mostly on Joseph’s story. Luke focuses on Mary’s side of the story. But as I read, I’m struck with how each of them had to decide to accept God’s message and plan, no matter that it didn’t make sense. It does not make sense to any woman that they should become pregnant without knowing a man. It does not make sense for a man to believe that his pregnant fiancé has not known a man. It does not make sense especially in the culture of Israel in BC 1, for a man to take as his wife a pregnant young woman. There is such a great scandal in that. That woman could have been accused of fornication and stoned to death! What respectable man would take her as his wife!??! Well, angels told both Mary and Joseph that this pregnancy would happen and that it is “of God.” Each of them decided to accept this unlikely explanation as true. Each of them decided to live as if it were true. They mapped their decisions based on its truth.

Mary had much to ponder (Luke 2:19) after shepherds visited. She pondered all that she and Joseph had been told and how it actually happened, and what Elizabeth did and said, and what the shepherds told her. They told the story that angels told them: “a Savior has been born,” where to find him and how he’d be dressed. The angels told them Good News, Peace and Good Will. The angels gave unknown shepherds the same message she and Joseph had been told. Much to ponder.

There are parallels to all this in your life too. You have been told (it’s in the Bible) that God is good. That God is in control. That God loves you. And you know it’s true that your child died. You may be asking how can all these things be true at the same time. It does not make sense, like it didn’t make sense for Mary and Joseph. But, like them, you can decide to believe it and to act as if it’s true. Like Mary you may want to or need to ponder these things a while until the Lord gives you more insight. I’m not imagining that you’ll have a visiting angel but you do have His revealed message in the Bible about His relationship with you. You have His Holy Spirit sent after the resurrection to help give you insight.

Like the first Christmas parents, you have much to ponder. But like the first Christmas parents, I urge you to decide to accept that God is good and loves you. You can chose to live as if its true. But also, be patient with yourself until you can see how your child’s life and death will bring good will and peace.  He did it for the whole world, He can do it for you too.

Joy to the World - The Lord is come.

Yes indeed, this gives us reason to rejoice. He has come to make His blessings flow AS FAR AS The Curse is found!!

Joy to the world – No more let sins and sorrows grow, Nor thorns infest the ground; He comes to make His blessings flow Far as the curse is found.

Blessings will flow, are flowing, as far as the curse is found. That’s everywhere and all the time.

Just to be perfectly clear – I do NOT mean that God cursed you or your child for some specific sin either one committed. I do NOT mean that. I mean the God cursed the whole creation in general with thorns and sweat and labor and pain, because Adam sinned against God by disobeying His clear command to not touch that tree(Genesis 2:15-3:19; curse to the serpent in verse 14; to the woman in verse 16 and to the man in verse 17). So all of us now live in the world of trouble. Certainly death is one out-working of that curse.

Now, in the coming of Jesus, God’s full character is incarnated in this baby Son who is the One the Father has designated to bring reconciliation between the Creator and the creatures. The reconciler and savior has come into your broken experience to bring healing and hope. The curse will be covered with blessings. Joy to the cursed world because the Savior has come! Joy to you. Even in the midst of grief, may there be moments, little lightening bolts, of joy breaking through to comfort you.

Christmas Music

Christmas music. It’s everywhere, whether or not you want to hear it. It’s in those smaltzy holiday telephone advertisements on TV. It’s in every kind of retail environment. It’s on every radio station; if the station is not playing the music, the music is embedded in the advertising the station buys at this time of year. Music is one of the many triggers embedded within the holiday season that bring new waves of grief with them. All the memories and traditions that make the holiday season so important in each of our family histories are also triggers that may bring on a wave of grief. So many unavoidable triggers.

How can a grieving parent navigate this situation? One trick would be to not go shopping. Either order online or send a friend out with your list. Buy gift cards at the grocery check out. Tell the people to whom you would usually give a gift that you can’t do gift shopping this year. Align their expectations with your present reality.

If you can’t go shopping, is there something you’d like to make as gifts? Frame a photo of that person with your child. Bake pumpkin bread or your child’s favorite cookies . Maybe you have some sort of specialty you could make for everyone. Or write a letter that tells that other person how they were important to you or your child. That’s one way to avoid some of the musical triggers.

Another strategy is to face the music. Enter into it. Look carefully at some of the old Christmas hymns and carols. Many of them include one line or verse that talks about suffering or about heaven. That’s because people in the “olden” days faced death and trouble more frequently and more honestly  than we do these days. They were better acquainted with grief. It has been a fact forever that we all die sometime. But in years past, before antibiotics and other modern medicine, death came and the people didn’t have the illusion that everyone would get better and live a long life.

So they included hope in the face of death, routinely, in the music of the church.

Let’s look at a few carols: Good Christian Men Rejoice – He hath ope'd the heav'nly door And man is blessed forevermore Christ was born for this

Hark! The hearld angels sing – Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled Veiled in flesh the Godhead see Hail the incarnate Deity Pleased as man with man to dwell Jesus, our Emmanuel Born that man no more may die Born to raise the sons of earth Born to give them second birth

O Come Emmanuel - …free Thine own from Satan's tyranny From depths of Hell Thy people save And give them victory o'er the grave Disperse the gloomy clouds of night And death's dark shadows put to flight.

In the next blog, I will talk about my top number one favorite Christmas hymn for those who grieve. Till then, focus on the eternal hope which the Father sent into our messy world as a baby on that Christmas. May the Hope sustain you through each and every wave of grief you face this season.

In All Things Give Thanks

Psalm 100. A psalm for giving grateful praise.4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. 5 For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. 3 Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

There is always something to be thankful for. Always. Even now in your grief. I have changed the sentence order in the Psalm to emphasize how this can be. You are invited to enter His gates and to do so with a thankful heart. The way this is possible at all is in the knowing that He is God and He made you and me and we are His sheep, under His care. Even while you are grieving the death of your precious child, there is some little thing for which you can give thanks.

A kind word from your child’s nurse. The effort the doctor spent to save your child, even though he was pretty sure her life would end. A meal someone brought you that night you couldn’t imagine finding something to eat. The time you didn’t run out of gas. The way someone came to just listen. There were probably many times people came and didn’t really minister to your needs at the moment, but there were the few moments that were just right.

Be thankful for the colors in the sky at dawn. Or for a perfect tulip or a rose. Or for chocolate!

Or for your child. You got to be his mom or dad. What a gift that was! To know that child and to be allowed to instruct him, to watch her dance with delight.

Even in your grief, when you have so much pain and so many doubts, there are some little things you can give thanks for. I’m thankful you are there and that you want to figure out how to survive this. I pray for you as you seek how to make a life for yourselves in the new normal of your universe.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18.

This little string of 3 commands Paul sent the Christians in Thessalonica follows the passage in chapter 4 about grieving, but not hopelessly (I Thessalonians 4:13-14). We have hope because Jesus died and rose again. Therefore you can, actually, give thanks to God for that and for the little blessings that come to you, even in your grief. There is always some little thing for which you can be thankful. Try to have a blessed day of giving thanks.