Temporary Blindness

I was in the high desert near Taos NM recently. I was especially looking forward to gazing into the night sky since we were staying in a special location outside the little town. I live in the eastern US so my usual environment has lots of trees, humidity, ambient light and clouds to obscure the view of the night sky. In Taos, I expected that nothing would obscure the stars from my gaze. Well, my plan was foiled because it was the week of the full moon. The brightness of the moon obscured the stars even more than the conditions in the east. Just like at home, I could only see about half a dozen stars. Not very impressive.

Grief is like that. Something obscures the view. The pain of grief can obscure the big picture that the Lord is present with you and that eternity awaits His people. The intensity of the pain is like the bright moon. The reality of the depth and complexity of eternity is like the whole universe that we see as stars in the sky.

The stars are always there even when we can’t see them. They are still obeying God’s plan and keeping their places in space. They are still representing the constellations they have occupied for ages.   The facts of eternity are always true even when we can’t see them. Heaven still obeys God’s will and occupies its place in God’s plan for His saints.

All the true things are still true, even now, though they may be hard to keep in view because of the grief you are feeling. You can trust the Lord to be Himself all day every day, no matter how difficult it is for you to see or feel it right now. He is the Lord God Almighty who is a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, even your grief.   

The heavens declare the glory of God;    the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech;    night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words;    no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,    their words to the ends of the world.  The law of the LORD is perfect,    refreshing the soul... The decrees of the LORD are firm,    and all of them are righteous. Psalm 19:1-4, 7, 9.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8.

Look for the small miracles -

So said one dad to another whose grief was fresher than the speaker's. The first dad was a strong man, wise, accomplished and not at all a mystic. The newly bereaved dad was looking for whatever insight or comfort he could get from another bereaved dad who was farther down the road through the valley of the shadow. And the advice given by the non-mystic was “look for the small miracles.” What is a miracle?  He called them “small” so, in this case, we’re not talking about parting the Red Sea or the resurrection. But little things, like a word of comfort that comes at just the right time from just the right person. Or music that moves and salves your soul. Or sharing a tear and a hug with someone else who also loved the child whose death you are grieving.

A small miracle is seeing a rainbow as you are driving on your way home after a particularly hard day. It is hearing your child’s favorite song as you are packing up some of his things. It is finding pennies, when you and your child had an inside joke about pennies from heaven. It’s so many things, different things for each parent. "Miracle" means God making His presence known as He provides a little dose of comfort for you. “Look for” means keep an open heart and mind as things happen while you are grieving.

There was another dad whose son died of cancer about 10 months from his diagnosis. He was 11 years old and a twin. When he was diagnosed, the plan was to get him into remission and then to give him a bone marrow transplant since he had this perfect donor match from his identical twin brother. He did achieve remission, but before they could get the transplant started, even when they were so ready, he relapsed. There was much sadness around the house that day.

After his death, the dad was asked to speak briefly about his experience to the television media. He said, “we were praying for a miracle. And we got one, just not the one we were praying for. I know my son is well, raised to life again, in heaven with Jesus.”  Now, healing would have been a good miracle, but resurrection is better by far – at least for the child. The rest of us get to see him again, but not till a bit later. The resurrection this dad hopes in is the best of all miracles but, for now, dad is grieving with hope.

While he walked this earth, Jesus did miracles for the purpose of proving His is God. He was demonstrating His identity so that the witnesses could believe who He is. You could say the same about the small miracles. He is still working. The result in us should be that we believe He is who He says He is. He is the One who knows you and loves you enough to go to the cross to die because that will relieve you from the penalty for your sins. And then He rose from the grave which guarantees life beyond the grave. Small miracles lead to hope because God is active and involved in your grief process and because heaven is real!

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. I Thessalonians 4:13-14

The Value of Funerals

I saw this statement in an article talking about grief and people with developmental disabilities.“...as if being upset at a funeral was inappropriate.”

As I recall, the author was arguing that a person with a developmental disability who might be highly emotional at a funeral, could and should be allowed to come. It is not inappropriate to be “upset at a funeral.” I can understand attempting to avoid a situation where a person’s behavior gets out of control and inconsolable, but emotions, even big emotions, are appropriate at a funeral. Emotions are the norm, not the exception. I want to argue for the value of funerals and emotions. For the purposes of this essay, I will use “funeral” to also mean a memorial service.

Of course one is upset at a funeral. Not having a funeral or not going to a funeral is not going to make everything feel alright, because things are not alright – whether or not you have a developmental disability! Things are not alright because an important person is no longer living. That’s the thing that’s upsetting. The funeral itself doesn’t cause the disequilibrium or the emotions one expresses. The funeral is a time and place to remember and honor the one who died. It is also the beginning of a journey through grief for the living.

The funeral gives you and your community of support a time and a place to be emotional, to share those feelings, to seek and find comfort – in the caring embrace of someone who also loved this person, in silence, in music, in the truth that God has planned a place for each of us who trust His Son for redemption. The funeral is a place to feel those feelings and to begin to learn how to feel them honestly and not be overwhelmed or crushed by them. The funeral is a place to express those feelings and compare them to biblical insight into life, death and heaven. It is a time and place to plant seeds that will grow into maturity and peace.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. II Corinthians 4:8-9

Indeed, you may feel almost crushed or in despair, but at the funeral you can begin to learn you are not destroyed.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. II Corinthians 4:7

We do have a treasure in Christ, the treasure of knowing He is alive and risen from the grave. That’s proof that this life is not all there is. He has invited us all to a party on the other side of the grave.

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation… I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

Knowing this gospel and feeling almost crushed, we can learn to live because He is with us, as promised.

Oh, by the way, the funeral will not bring “closure” for your grief. On the contrary, it’s the beginning of your grief journey. I’ll write on “closure” sometime soon.

Till the journey is done, God is with you to help.

In the land of the living

“He’s in the land of the living. We’re definitely in the land of the dead” I heard this said about one who had ”died” a few weeks earlier. The person who died is now in the land of those living because they are living with Christ, living the life Christ had prepared for that one, in the house Jesus has prepared. Living in a resurrection body. Living without sin in themselves or in their environment. Now that’s Life!

We who are living our earthly lives, on the other hand, are living in the land of the dead. We are dead in our sins until Christ revives our hearts. Though we are living and breathing on earth, we are dying. No matter how many years we have ahead of us, we are moving in the direction of the end of that time. Our bodies have an expiration date. Each of us is dying.

Your beloved child has already died. But, as for everyone, his or her soul will live forever. Those who chose to receive the life Christ offers are Living in the environment He has prepared just for them. It’s just right for them and who they are created to be forever. No more efforts to figure out what to do for a career. No more sports injuries or auto accidents. No more suffering the taunts of the local bully. No more adolescent trials and tribulations. No more illness or earthly struggles. Just Life – the Life your child was created for.

Meanwhile, you are still living in the land of the dead, grieving deeply for the one who is living in the land of the living. I want to encourage you to spend a little time every week, thinking about the Life your child now lives. Meditate on the One who created your child and prepared that place for them. Meditate on the One who bought them with His own life and who brought them to His home. Meditate on your own future too. This time focusing on what Christ has done for the child and for you will create little points of light along the grief journey through the valley of the shadow of death. Light in the Shadows. This is one thing you can do for yourself, in the time of your grief, to bring some healing. In the midst of your grief, spend a little time, each week, thinking about Life in the land of the Living.

While he was still living in the land of the dead, Jesus said: “In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.” John 14:2

Funerals

“…as if being upset at a funeral was inappropriate.” I recently saw this in an article talking about grief and people with developmental disabilities. The article was reacting to another article in which the author recommended you not take someone to the funeral if they are going to act out, be louder than silent, or be emotionally upset. Well, of course, one is upset at a funeral. That goes for a person with a developmental disability and for the rest of humanity too. Across the spectrum of abilities, we are more like our fellow humans than we are different. We all feel deeply and we can all benefit from gathering to remember someone we loved. Since a funeral is a gathering of people who loved a person who is now dead, there will be strong emotions. It deliberately pulls together people who are hurting acutely.

Jesus went to funerals. He went to Lazarus’ service (John 11:17-44), was “deeply moved” by the tears of others. In His travels he happened to come across a funeral procession of a widow’s only son (Luke 7:11-17). “His heart went out to her…” He felt what they felt. It is recorded that He wept softly (“Jesus wept” – the sense of the word is soft private tears) with the mourners at Lazarus’ funeral. That’s what funerals allow us to do, to share one another’s feelings. In my experience when grieving, those shared tears are a means of great comfort.

Not having a funeral, or not going to a funeral, is not going to make everything feel alright! The fact is, things are not alright – whether or not you have a developmental disability! Things are not alright because an important person is no longer living! That’s the thing that’s upsetting, the funeral gives you and your community of support a time and a place to put those emotions, to share them, to seek and find comfort in comforting things: such as Truth about redemption and resurrection, in one another’s caring embrace, in silence, in music, in tears shed together, in remembering and telling stories. Sure, a person may be upset at a funeral, but, I believe, it is not the funeral that is upsetting, it is that Death has taken someone you loved. The funeral is a time and place to give and receive comfort.

How was your beloved’s funeral a benefit for you? I do hope you had some of those shared tears and some shared stories too. Blessings to you.  

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die…. Jesus wept. John 11:25-26, 35

   O LORD my God, I called to you for help        and you healed me.     …weeping may remain for a night,        but rejoicing comes in the morning…   "Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;        O LORD, be my help."   You turned my wailing into dancing;        you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,   that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  Psalm 30:2, 5, 10-12

Death is swallowed in victory

I want to share a song with you. I experienced this – it was more than just hearing it- when I visited my daughter’s church. The singer-songwriter, Brian Lopiccolo, is the music director at her church. His brother had died just a few months before that visit. So Brian wrote these thoughts in his own grief. I talked with him after listening as he sang this song for the first time publically. He said he wanted to do something that glorified God since his brother’s death. In my heart, Brian accomplished his goal. May your heart be touched and comforted with this too. When Death is Swallowed in Victory – Brian Lopiccolo

"When Death is swallowed in victory, We’ll stand in awe at the ending Of all our brokenness, grief and pain When Christ returns to redeem us. And though we die, then shall we live, for Christ defeated the grave; When death is swallowed in victory It’s only then the beginning.

When Death is swallowed in victory This fallen body will waken These tried limbs and this broken heart Will rise to life and perfection. These hands will build, these feet will run This voice will sing a new song; These eyes will look on the risen Lord When Death is swallowed in vict’ry

Inherit everything, When death gives up it’s sting And nothing can keep us from the life we’ve been destined to live Oh --the life we’ve been destined to give.

When Death is swallowed in victory God’s children, all then united The Saints of hist’ry and those now gone Will join us then and forever. And God Himself will be our own, For we forever are His; We long for Christ to make all things new When Death is swallowed in vict’ry."

What are your favorite lines? Mine are the last 4 - And God Himself will be our own for we forever are His. I am comforted knowing I'm close to His heart and safe there forever.

Blessings to you as you contemplate Christ’s victory over the grave and what that means to you now.

 Check out Brian Lopiccolo's site.

Questions – II: Why?

I spoke with a young man a few days ago. He is feeling guilty about some things. His words were “I feel bad for making life hard for her sometimes.” Buried in there is the worry that something he did caused or contributed to the death of the one he loved – his mom in this case. (Forgiveness is another issue revealed in his concerns but I will deal with that on another occasion.) So I have been thinking about the story of Jesus and the blind man in John’s gospel, chapter 9. This man has been blind since birth, his parents confirm this. He asked Jesus to heal him and He did. Now the man sees. Somehow this upset the religious “powers that be,” like healing is a bad thing under certain circumstances!  

Anyway, back to the story, some of Jesus’ followers who saw this healing asked Jesus a sort of philosophical question. It’s a form of the “why?” question that so many of us ask. They asked: who sinned. Who offended God that God should put such a challenge in the lives of this man and his family (for certainly when one is battling a serious illness or disabling condition the whole family is affected by the illness). Jesus’ answer was surprising then and is so now too: No one sinned. It’s not about sin and punishment. This man’s blindness has a purpose and that purpose is ... let’s let Jesus tell it -"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (John 9:3)

The man is a display case for the Lord God Almighty to show others His glory. In this case, the man was healed of blindness and he went on to testify of the healing and healer in front of town’s people and religious leaders. He testified of the facts even though he didn’t really understand the details of how or why. He just told of his experience with Jesus. That is how he displayed God’s glory.

I extrapolate from that that we all are display cases for Him too. Whatever condition you are in – grieving, disabled is some way, old or young, tall or short – you are a display case. You and I can display His love, peace and mercy. And this is true whether or not we are healed of our condition. That is why we were made just the way we are. It happened for God’s glory. 

How can I display His glory? Each of us has specific and unique opportunities to do so. But there are some generalities. We can be patient in the grief recovery period, expecting that God who identifies Himself as Comforter, will comfort us as time passes. We can continue throwing ourselves into His everlasting arms. We can tell the truth, such as: It still hurts a lot, but I know the Lord is present with me. We can share any comfort we have received with another hurting person.    

The loss in my young friend’s life happened and God will get glory in it. The loss in your life, too, can bring Him glory. It is part of the stuff from which the Lord God Almighty, who loves you enough to send His son, intends to build His eternal kingdom here among men. Glory to God.

Questions – I: What kind of God

The first frequently asked question is this: “what kind of God would allow me to suffer this loss?” Let’s examine what kind of God it is we are dealing with:He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? … It is God who justifies. … Christ Jesus…is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:32-34.

This is the God who gave up His Son for you. Who continues to justify you (as in court for a guilty suspect). Who is interceding for you even now. Scripture reveals many additional character qualities but I love this the most. I often come back to this truth as a foundation for my life and hope. Romans also says “if God is for us, who can be against us.” (Romans 8:31) This God who has given so much for our benefit is a God who can be trusted with our brokenness, even when things don’t make sense.

Trust - • That He keeps His promises • That when He says He is the Comforter, He is that and will actually comfort you • That He knows your pain and understands • That He hears your cries • That He will never leave you • That He is active in the situation • That He will bring good for you, as well as good for His Kingdom, out of what you are going through • That His plans will be fulfilled

I already touched on this theme in an earlier blog but it is such an important point that I wanted to give it more attention. In my life, this is one of 3 or 4 truths that are the unshakable foundation. Because God is for me, nothing can shake or destroy my relationship with the Lord. This is one of the “rocks” on which my “house” is built and the floods can’t knock me down (Matthew 7:24-27). I hope you will make it one of your foundation stones too.

A Mother’s Day or Father’s Day Dilemma

Mother’s Day was last weekend. Father’s Day is around the corner. Every child who has died had a mother and a father. They may also have a step-mom or step-dad, probably some grandparents too. So there may several mom types or dad types who are grieving and who don’t know what to do on these days celebrating motherhood and fatherhood. The loss of a child brings up certain questions including “Am I still a parent?”

Let’s think about this from the beginning.  A man and a woman made love. A baby, a small human, was conceived. God oversaw her growth and development in the womb. God saw the child. Whether you are the birth parents of that child, or her adoptive parents, you are her parents from the moment of conception, or the moment you conceived of the thought of adoption. The child is an eternal being, made in the image of God, under His watchful eye, with plans of important work for that child to do to glorify her creator. The child is eternal even if her life on this earth does not last many years, months, or days. You are her parent then and now. Yes, you are still her parents.

Here are some scriptures to back up my statements:

• “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139:13-16
• “Then God said, ‘let us make man in our image, in our likeness…’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:26-27
• Paul says “for me to live is Christ, to die is gain… I desire to depart and be with Christ,...”          Philippians 1:21,23  This passage is rich with implications of life beyond the grave.
• “But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep.” I Corinthians 15:20  The fact of the risen Christ is historically proved in I Corinthians 15: 5-8. As Christ is living after His death, so shall we be living after ours. We are eternal beings.

For bereaved parents, it is often painful on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. While others in your congregation are receiving words of encouragement and perhaps a rose, what do you do? It’s a dilemma. God  has taught us to think of Him as Father (in the prayer He taught the disciples in Matthew 6:9); and has used the images of both mother (in Isa 66:13 Isa 49:15) and father (Ps 68:5) to help us understand the nature of our relationship with Him. He knows both the mother’s hearts and a father’s. He understands each or you and why the dilemma is troublesome.

In my opinion, you are a parent and deserve a rose. But if you feel more discouraged or lonely because of being recognized in this way, you have permission to make your own choices and to not accept that rose.  God knows your heart and your heart-ache. Like He saw your child’s development in the womb, He sees yours now. He sees you and knows you and loves you completely. He offers His love to comfort you even in this dilemma.  

The is God speaking to you: “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;..” Isaiah 66:13

Heard on the Radio

A sports commentator was reflecting on his recent “grief” experience.  It all started 18 years ago when a local sports hero was killed in an auto crash. This reporter was traveling in a Midwest city at the time. Last week he was back in that city and IT hit him! The memory of that person, that loss, just hit him by surprise. He said he felt a shudder of grief go through his body as he remembered “the last time I was here was when (the player) died.”

I have felt that same shudder. How about you? Probably. These kinds of incidents are reported often in conversations with bereaved parents.  It’s similar to “where were you when…” – Kennedy was shot, or the planes crashed into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, or you heard about the Tsunami in Thailand or hurricane in … or any other disaster. You remember where you were. Being there brings it all back.

I call these reminders “triggers.” A place can be a trigger and bring back the memory and the sorrow. Many other things can also be triggers, including smells and sounds and seasons and more. If you have experienced these kinds of surprises, you are normal.  Being “normal” is important. Among other things it means you are not going crazy. It also means that like most grievers, you can and probably will recover to some sort of normalcy for the remainder of your life.

A triggered surprise of memory can be useful and sweet. Maybe you are remembering a favorite day with the one who died. Maybe you are remembering a hike into the woods on a beautiful spring afternoon, or a cup of hot chocolate on a skiing trip. How sweet are those memories and the time you get to relive that moment. Give thanks for the good memories.  

Maybe you are remembering a conflict you had with the person, or an argument, or an unhappy good bye on a particular occasion. It can be useful to take this time to think through what happened at that moment. Reflect on how it fits into the larger context of your whole relationship with your child. You may chose to use this triggered memory to help you resolve in your heart the sorrow you feel for the conflict. Was it really a big deal or was it one of those things that should fit into the category of: “love covers a multitude of sin.” Some things that we fight over truly can and should be allowed to just evaporate in time, rather than have a big talk about them. Or perhaps it was a big deal. Even so, you can decide to forgive them or to be forgiven, receiving from Christ, the forgiveness He offers. Then once you have been forgiven by God, it is all cleansed and no one should hold that against you again.

So triggers come. Allow yourself to be blessed by the pleasant memories. Allow yourself to grow in grace and resolve the unpleasant ones too. As time marches on, use the moments of memory to openly receive the blessings of grace Christ intends to give you. He is your ever-present helper. (Some scriptures used in these thoughts: I Peter 4:8, I John 1:9, Psalm 46:1)