Grief, A Lifelong Process

Grieving is certainly one of the most universal human experiences, yet it seems most of us have not been prepared or educated to understand and deal with grief in a healthy way.

Most people don’t seem to grasp the depth of grief or the length of grief.  It is unrealistic to expect to love someone, lose someone and not have it change us forever.

The pain of losing a loved one can be almost unbearable at times, but I have shared with grieving parents that if my daughter, Crystal, was going to die, as painful as that  would be, I was glad that it did hurt so deeply because it reminded me that I loved Crystal deeply.  How sad it would be to lose a family member and it not hurt.

We need to understand that grieving is not a speedy process; yet many in our culture want to push us to “get over it and move on.”  I found the following quote helpful to me and my understanding of grief:

“Grief changes through the years, but the simple truth, which no one wants to admit, is that you will never be your old self again.  You are forever changed.  That’s not to say that you won’t be healed, because you will find ways to heal.  And yes, the raw, jagged pain of acute grief will fade.  But just as a very deep wound leaves a lasting scar, you will have an emotional scar that will at times, still feel sore.” *

That last statement about scars brings to mind a song I heard, “Scars Are A Sign Of Healing.” Scars can last a long time.  I still have scars on my body from cuts in my childhood.  As Ashley Davis Prend says, “Grieving is not a short-term process; it’s not even a long-term process; it’s a lifelong process.”

So don’t be too hard on yourself or expect too much too soon in your journey of grief. Healing does happen even though it is a lifelong process with ups and downs. God never abandons us. He gives us opportunities to come alongside of others in their grief journey. Miraculously that helps us in our grief journey.

*Transcending Loss, Ashley Davis Prend, Berkley  Books, NY

My Favorite Prayer

“I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.”

I recently read this in the BASIS Archives and thought it was worthy of repeating.  It was written by the previous director of BASIS, Judy Blore.

The scene (Mark 9:14-29) happens immediately after Jesus and friends (Peter, James and John) come back from the mountain top where they were met by Elijah and Moses, where Jesus was “transfigured!” That must have been impressive!  Then the disciples heard the voice of the Holy Spirit again. Impressive!  Coming down from this experience, the four of them found an animated crowd gathered. There was a boy, some disciples who failed to heal, some accusing religious leaders, many spectators and a disappointed dad.

“What are you arguing with them about?” [Jesus] asked.

A man in the crowd answered, “Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit.”

This is how the man describes his son’s condition: “…since he was a little boy.  Many times it pitches him into the fire or the river to do away with him.”

This is the dad’s request:  “If you can do anything, do it.  Have a heart and help us!”  Hear the desperate cry for compassion and help!

This is the exchange between Jesus and the dad:  “If you can?” said Jesus.  “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.”

Like this boy, your child was in a life threatening situation.  You may have prayed your child would be saved from too.  It didn’t happen, at least not in this earthly life.

Jesus heals and tells us to ask for it.  But He does not heal everyone who asks.  It’s not determined by the quality of our prayers.  It is determined by His will and His plans to bring glory to Himself.  Those decisions are made in His own character.  The disciples tried but couldn’t save the child in the situation.  They asked Jesus why He was successful and they were not.  “…his disciples asked him privately, ’Why couldn’t we drive it out?’ He replied, ‘This kind can come out only by prayer. ‘”

You are invited to pray: for your own emotional healing; for your spouse’s or other children’s; for your marriage to not only survive but to be a place where everyone thrives!  Do you believe Jesus heals?  Do you believe you can feel better?  Do you believe you can function, not just better, but well?  Do you believe there will be meaning and fulfillment in your life in the future?  I believe Jesus has promised these things for you.

I believe God is good; that He is who He says He is.  What is hard for me to believe is that there is good for me or my child or anyone in all of history in THIS event.  I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.

I believe that nothing can happen to me that is outside His love for me.  He said so in Romans 8:38-39.  What is hard to believe is that the One who loves me and my child would allow or plan THIS to happen.

I believe God heals, but He didn’t heal my child of THIS disease.  I believe God heals broken hearts, yet I feel so horrible, so sad.  I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!

I believe, Lord, help my unbelief!  Is that a prefect prayer? NO!  Is it prayed by a perfectly faithful believer?  NO! Is this a prayer Jesus hears and answers?  YES!  Just like the dad in the story, we don’t have to be perfect in our faith or our lives or our words to be heard!  Jesus is listening.  Go to Him honestly as your imperfect self and ask for answers and solutions to your every need.  He will answer with exactly His perfect will for you.

The kind of heartbreak that comes with the death of a child can only heal through prayer.  Keep coming to the Comforter for comfort.  Keep pouring out your heart.  Keep asking that you won’t be permanently injured (thrown into fire or water) by your loss but that you will be restored to a good place where you are living again and thriving.  Keep praying.

Bible Verses of Comfort and Encouragement

At a recent support group meeting for bereaved parents, Bud and Gwen shared the following handout they had compiled. It is typical of the way parents in the group provide encouragement to each other.

“These Bible verses were compiled from the sympathy cards received after the death of our fifty-four old son in July, 2013. They have been a comfort and encouragement to us and we thought others who are suffering might be encouraged by them, also.”

Verses of Peace and Comfort

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – Our God is known as “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles…”

John 14:18 – Jesus said, “I will not leave you comfortless:  I will come to you.”

Philippians 4:7 – “And the peace of God, which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Romans 15:13 – “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.”

John 14:16 – Jesus prays to the Father to give believers another comforter.  “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor.”

Psalm 119:76 – “May your unfailing love be my comfort according to your promise.”

Matthew 5:4 – “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

John 14:27 – “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.”

Verses Concerning God’s Presence

Exodus 33:14 – “My presence will go with you and I will give you rest.” [Spoken to Moses.]

Haggai 1:13 – “I am with you, declares the Lord.”

Isaiah 58:11 – “The Lord shall guide you continually…”

Isaiah 43:2 – “When you pass thru the waters, I will be with you.”

Isaiah 41:10 – “So do not fear, for I am with you.”

Zephaniah 3:17 – “The Lord your God is in your midst.”

I trust that you too will be comforted and encouraged by these verses from God’s Word.

Through the Eyes of a Grieving Child

At our annual BASIS Breakfast for grieving parents and children, our granddaughter, Robin, reflected on her grief journey.  Robin was ten when her mother died nearly ten years ago. 

Robin wrote:

Life’s not fair. I’ve learned it over and over again, but not in the way many children do. No, I don’t complain because my brother got a bigger piece of cake than me or because I didn’t get the same present my friends got. Life’s not fair because my mom got cancer, even though she was a good person and we loved her. Life’s not fair because the treatment just made her sicker. Life’s not fair because my mom died when I was ten years old and she was the most wonderful person who was ever in my life. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things happen that don’t make sense and you might not ever be able to explain them. When my mom got sick, I was more upset that someone I loved was suffering for no reason than anything else. I was told to keep praying and to be hopeful; but in the end, the worst still happened.

There are times it makes me angry that we didn’t get a miracle. I do still believe in miracles, though, and I’ve learned that they tend not to be exactly what you’re praying for. When my mom got sick, she was in a coma for a week and almost died before I could say goodbye. I remember being absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t get to see her again. But we were given a gift that I am thankful for to this day. My mom woke up from her coma and came home for a couple weeks between treatments. In those two weeks, it’s almost like everything was right again. Mom got to see old friends who lived far away, we got to spend time together since I was out of school and she wasn’t working and I was able to express how thankful I was for her after the shock of almost losing her opened my eyes to all she did for me. 

Unfortunately, in the end, we did not get the miracle we were praying for. My mom died on August 1st, about a month before I started my first year of Middle School. Middle School is a hard time for everyone, but is especially hard when you’re missing someone you love. I felt lost. As much as I tried not to be angry at God for taking my mom, I was. Through it all, I learned that it was ok to be angry with God - He could take it. I learned that the source of my anger really came from not understanding why my mom had to die. I was always told God has a plan, but for 10 year old me, this couldn’t possibly be right. The anger came and went, but the grief stayed for a long time. 

The most important thing in all of this was the support of my family. I remember waking up that day in August excited to go to camp when my dad brought me into my room and told me “Mom is with Jesus now.” All I wanted in that moment was the comfort of my mother’s hug, but it was the one thing I couldn’t have. That day, and every day since, I’ve learned that I can rely on my family for support. My dad has been with me every step of the way and I’ve learned to really appreciate him for everything he does.

When I walked into the living room after my dad broke the news to me, I was surrounded by people who were there for me. My relatives were all sitting around the

living room, and I walked from one to the next just letting them hold me. That moment gave me peace when I could’ve broken down. I still went to camp that day and was greeted by some amazing friends who were the best support structure I could ask for during such a terrible week. Many times I’ve been tempted to keep everything to myself and just deal with it, but it’s important to let your friends and family help you. No one has to be alone when they’re dealing with grief. There will always be someone to lend an ear or hold you when you just need a break.  Today the sense of loss can still bring pain for me. Though it’s not as sharp as it once was, it still hurts to think that my mom wasn’t there to see me graduate, and she won’t be there for my wedding or be a grandmother to my children someday. But knowing that she’s still watching me and is proud of me is enough. I still do things to make my mom proud, even though she’s not around. I try to live as fully as she did in her few short years here and love as unconditionally as she loved me and my brother.

As I see it, to not let her death improve my life in some way would be a waste of her life. Now I get to look back on all the lives she so obviously touched, and be happy that we were all lucky enough to know her. I can smile knowing that losing her made my family and all of my relationships stronger. I know exactly how important it is to savor every moment with someone I love. And finally, I can see that maybe part of God’s plan in all of this was that, after knowing what it’s like to lose a loved one, my family and I can be there for others who are going through similar situations in a way that others couldn’t. If I can make one more person’s life better by using what I’ve been through, then I know my mom would be proud. 

Robin Kline

Where Do You Live?

When I went to college many, many years ago I roomed in a dormitory on campus. I considered it a temporary home for I did not plan to live there all my life. Since those days I have lived in several homes, some I owned and some I rented. Now I am back living in the home in which I was literally born in over seventy years ago; but I don’t plan to live in this house forever.

All the homes we may live in are temporary.

As believers we believe that Jesus rose from the dead on Easter morning. A short while after that He ascended into heaven and then sent His Holy Spirit on Pentecost to fill the believers.  What a great gift He has given; but His work is not complete because he said that He was going to prepare a place for us.

Our home on earth is a temporary place. Our real home is in heaven! As the Scriptures say, “What God has planned for people who love him is more than eyes have seen or ears have heard. It has never even entered our minds!”  1 Corinthians 2:9.

Now, that sounds fabulous to me! I have tried to imagine what heaven will be like but it is beyond my imagination. I am reminded of the song, “I Can Only Imagine,” which was sung at our daughter’s Home-going celebration. What a great expression of anticipation and awe:

“…Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance with you, Jesus?
Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Hallelujah? 
Will I be able to speak at all?I can only imagine!”*

“I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’” Revelation 21:3-4

His Holy Spirit (the Comforter) is given to us now and He is preparing a place for us that is beyond description!

 *”I Can Only Imagine”, Bart Miller, c 1999, Simpleville Music

Precious Memories - Hopes & Dreams

Hello Everyone -

Every year in May, grieving parents from around the area gather together at Aldan Union Church in Aldan, PA to share a delicious breakfast with one another and to be encouraged by other parents who have experienced the death of a child. Whether your loss was a miscarriage or still birth, or your child was young or was an adult - the loss of a child is one of life's deepest pains.  

God knows that pain: the pain of the death of a child. He knows the agony, the deep pain because He experienced it with His one and only Son. Therefore, He is with you in your pain.  

BASIS strongly believes that grieving in a community context that feels safe and encouraging can help parents navigate through their pain. This is why we invite all parents who have experienced the death of a child to our Annual BASIS Breakfast. This year's breakfast will be held on May, 2nd from 10am-1pm.  

We all probably know someone who could benefit from a gathering like this; so even if you have not suffered the loss of a child, invite someone who has, and offer to come with them. To register visit the H*VMI website and click on "Upcoming Events."

In addition, this year Michelle Noble is offering a separate program for grieving children. Therefore, if you know of a family who has grieving children, please invite them as well.  

This time together will be full of delicious food, tears, laughter and honoring your child.

We invite you to join us.

Blessings from the BASIS staff.

Will Anybody Just Listen?

Unfortunately, many people in their sincere desire to help someone in grief, think that they need to say something to help and comfort the grieving person.  Sometimes it is helpful to say something, but what a grieving person probably needs most is for some caring person to just listen for a while.  The following poem speaks to this matter:

 Listen*

When I ask you to listen to me,

and you start giving advice,

 you have not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me,

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,

you are trampling on my feelings.

 

When I ask you to listen to me,

and you feel that you have to do something to solve my problem,

you have failed me, strange as that may seem.

 

Listen!  All I asked was that you listen,

Not talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do it for myself;

I’m not helpless – maybe discouraged and faltering,

but not helpless.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear and weakness.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,

then I can quit trying to convince you,

and get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling,

and when that’s clear,

the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

 

So, please listen and just hear me,

and, if you want to talk,

wait a minute for your turn;

and l’ll listen to you.

Anonymous

*Adapted from “Listen”, prepared by PATHways Center for Grief & Loss, Hospice of Lancaster County, PA

Sunshine After Rain

Bill and Gloria Gaither have written many songs that touch human experience, especially as it relates to how God interacts with us. The verse below is from their song, “Joy Comes in The Morning”

 “If you’ve knelt beside the rubble of an aching broken heart

When the things you gave your life to fell apart

You’re not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief or pain

But the Master promised sunshine after rain.”

If you have experienced the death of a child you can identify with “the rubble of an aching broken heart.”

Most likely you have also felt at least a part of your life was falling apart.  All of these emotions or experiences are part of the human condition.  That verse goes on to remind us that we are “not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief or pain.” How true that is.

We can trace that back to the very first parents, Adam and Eve.  Their first born son, Cain, killed their second born son, Able. Adam and Eve had to deal with the grief of losing a son but also the pain of having their other son be the murderer of his brother.

BASIS exists because parents still “kneel beside the rubble of an aching broken heart.” My wife and I have knelt with broken hearts that seemed like the rubble, or broken pieces of our hearts could never mend. Broken hearts can mend but never without a scar, but scars are a testament of healing.

Jesus was crucified and buried in a tomb and then rose from the dead, but even after His resurrection He still had the scars.

The last line of the verse above says the “the Master promised sunshine after rain.”  Last night we had snow and high wind, but today the sun is shining.  Years after the death of our daughter, Crystal, our hearts still ache, but we have also experienced some joys…the joys of family and friends, of laughter and fellowship, of comfort and comforting.

We don’t get over our sorrow and grief, but we are able to journey through it with the help of God, family and friends. 

In the chorus of the song referred to above it admonishes us to, “Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning.  Weeping only lasts for the night.”  In this life, that night continues off and on; but for the one who has the abiding presence of the Lord in his or her life we can hold on until that night is finally over and the dawn of a new day, an everlasting day where there is no darkness, no sorrow, no pain breaks forth in all its brilliance and glory.

At BASIS we count it a privilege to walk with you through your journey of grief.

I Hold In My Heart

- By Lisa Kauffman (Adam stillborn at 6 months)

I hold in my heart pain

Because I’ve been left to

grieve for those who have

gone before me-

my baby and my mom.

I hold in my heart joy

Because of the blessings

in my life:

a loving husband,

two other children,

smiles, friendships and laughter.

I hold in my heart hope

Because of Jesus’ work in

the world and in me-

salvation, restoration,

comfort, and peace.

I hold in my heart brokenness and trust in eternal life.

It is a mystery that both

exists in the same wounded soul.

It is by grace that God is

gently changing my

brokenness into something

eternal and forever beautiful-

a reflection of His life and

work in me.

I am held in His heart:

a child molded by love and pain,

a tribute to His grace,

and I offer my broken

heart to Him.

Heal, comfort, recreate.

Guildelines for Dealing with Grieving Parents

Things That Heal

Through Words

• “I can’t begin to understand.”
• “I’m so sorry.  I can’t imagine how much you hurt.”
• “I really care about your heartache.”

Through Actions

• Giving freedom for tears
• Giving freedom for anger and questions…even about God
• Touching appropriately
• Saying nothing rather than saying the wrong thing
• Sending cards - add personal note
• Giving freedom for talking about their loss
• Placing no restrictions on the time of the grief process
• Sending cards on birthdays, anniversaries or any special occasion that may be especially difficult for the bereaved person

Things That Hurt

• “It’s time to get on with your life.”
• “I know just how you feel.”
• “Don’t you think you have grieved long enough?”
• Avoiding the individual because you don’t know what to say
• Offering advice
• Give pat answers
• Interpret sadness/depression as weakness or lack of faith
• “You’re young. You can have other children.”
• Avoid mentioning the deceased’s name
• “If only…”
• Quoting Romans 8:28 -  “God is in everything working for our good...”…doesn’t mean He causes everything. It can be difficult for a grieving person to hear this verse at the wrong time. Understand the context of the verse.  It will help you use it appropriately in the future.

Ask God to give you wisdom and a caring heart.

Winter and Grief

Winter reminds me that things can be both good and bad; take snow for instance.  It provides pleasure for children to play in and make snowmen, and lots of children and adults have great fun skiing. Yet snow causes accidents, damaging vehicles and causing injury and even death to many people each year.  Then there are avalanches which destroy property and injure and kill people.

 Now, what does all this have to do with grief?  Well, life brings a variety of experiences: some good, some bad. However, God can take even the worst things and bring some good.  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

 In an earlier verse the Apostle Paul also says, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worthy compared with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Romans 8:18. Here Paul is not suggesting that your trouble, or grief, is not bad.  Instead, he is encouraging us to look at the splendor that is waiting for believers.  Paul also reminds us that God’s blessings are not only in the future, but that God is also, “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our trouble.”  II Corinthians 1:3-4

 I pray that you may be comforted today by the “Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.”  He may even use this blog to do that.

The Plan of the Master Weaver

"My life is but a weaving between the Lord and me,

I may not choose the colors,

He knows what they should be,

For He can view the pattern upon the upper side,

While I can see it only on this, the underside

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow, which seemeth strange to me,

But I will trust His judgment, and work on faithfully,

‘Tis He who fills the shuttle, and He knows what is best,

So I shall weave in earnest, leaving to Him the rest

Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why -

The dark threads are as needed in the Weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned."

We all have questions of “why” that we want to know the answers to. We want to know why the sorrow, why the death of our loved one. The Master Weaver is the one who can turn our deepest pain and struggle into something that can be used for His Glory and for good. It is only by His Grace that we can trust Him and the pattern He has planned for our life. Today I pray for that Grace for each family who is hurting. Our prayers are with you.

Starting Another Year on Our Grief Journey

Well, we have started a new year and if you are like me you probably wonder how we got here so fast.  As we look back over last year we may remember things we wished we did not have to experience; but we probably had some unexpected joys that came our way, also.

The journey of grief is not predictable.  People often ask grieving parents how they are doing.  It’s not an easy question to answer, is it?  How we are doing changes from week to week, from day to day, even from moment to moment.

In this journey of grief that takes us through the dark world of pain and sorrow there are things that we can’t understand, but there are things we learn as we go along, and although each one’s grief is different, we share a common bond that makes it possible for us to help each other by sharing our experiences.

As Director of BASIS, a ministry to bereaved parents, I am involved in trying to provide comfort, support, and helpful resources to grieving parents. In this process I have also had the privilege to listen to the stories of many grieving parents and I have been encouraged and blessed by them.

The truth of St Francis’s prayer that “it is in giving we receive” has been proven to me again and again.  That God can take tragedy and work in it to bring something good continues to inspire me.  It was not good that my daughter got leukemia and died, but God has taken something bad and used it to minister to others which at the same time ministers to me.

In this new year let me encourage you in your grief to seek out grieving people and walk with them in their grief journey.  You will help them and they will help you.

“Praise be to the  God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I AM

David Crowder has a song titled, “I AM.”  As I was thinking about what to write for today’s blog, my heart went to all the families who are grieving the loss of a child or loved one.  Christmas is crucial to our Hope.  Jesus is our Hope.  But, yet this time of year can be very painful for people who are grieving.  So today, with Christmas less than a week away I pray that this song ministers to your heart and that you feel Jesus holding on to you. 

There's no space that His love can't reach.

There's no place where we can't find peace.

There's no end to Amazing Grace. 

Take me in with your arms spread wide.

Take me in like an orphan child.

Never let go, never leave my side.

I am, Holding on to You. I am, Holding on to You.

In the middle of the storm, I am Holding on, I am. (repeat)

Love like this, Oh my God to find!

I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!

Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

I am, Holding on to You. I am, Holding on to You.

In the middle of the storm, I am Holding on, I am. (repeat)

This is my Resurrection Song.

This is my Hallelujah Come.

This is why to You I run.

This is my Resurrection Song.

This is my Hallelujah Come.

This is why to You I run.

There's no space that His love can't reach.

There's no place that we can't find peace.

There's no end to Amazing Grace.

I am, Holding on to You. I am, Holding on to You.

In the middle of the storm, I am Holding on, I am. (repeat)

Are You Going Through Difficult Waters?

Sometimes when we are going through difficult things we may feel alone. Friends and family may be with us for a time but they have their lives and issues to deal with too. At the time of a death in the family there usually are people around us from our family, from our circle of friends, and from our church family. As time goes by not many, if any, of those people can stay close to us as we deal with the ongoing grief.

Grief can seem to engulf us at times and threaten to destroy us. If one of your children has died you probably know what I am talking about. At times we can't see or feel how we can go on, but we can.

I found a great promise from God found in the book of Isaiah.

“When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown.” Isaiah 43:2

Though we may at times seem to 'drown' in our sorrow, grief and pain; notice the word 'through' in this Scripture. First, God does not promise to keep us from deep waters or rivers of difficulty. Second, nor does He tell us we will be destroyed. Third, and most important, He indicates not only will we go 'through', but He will go through with us and promises us that we will not 'drown'. When you go through something it means you come out the other side.

When I was a child they built a highway across part of our small farm, but because there was a small stream that flowed at that point they put in a culvert under the road so the water could flow through. The pipe was big enough for me and my brother to crawl through. The water was usually pretty low so we could crawl through to our field on the other side of the road.  It was great fun.  Recently I looked at that pipe and wondered how I ever was able to crawl through that small pipe. When we look back on our rivers of difficulty we may also wonder how we ever got through.

Amazingly, every time I crawled 'through' the pipe I came out on the other side! Every time you go 'through' those rivers of difficulty, because He goes with you, you will come out on the other side. Does that mean everything will be sunny and wonderful? No, but we can go on living and even be a blessing to others going through their rivers of difficulty.

As long as we live in this life the rivers of difficulty will be there. Sometimes the water is raging, sometimes it is more calm, but nothing can destroy us and nothing can separate us from our relationship with the Lord!

“Even when walking through the dark valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way.” Psalm 3:4

Let There Be...

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I’m currently doing a study in Genesis. It talks about how God created the heavens and the earth, the stars and the moon, the animals and man. God said, “Let there be light, and there was light.” Genesis 1:3

As I read through Genesis and study God’s word I’m reminded that God can say one word and things can be created, birthed or changed. He speaks and things happen.

When life seems chaotic, when our days feel overwhelmed with pain from grief and mourning - today, I hear God speaking “let there be HOPE” into His people’s hearts.

Today, my prayer is that you hear His whisper, that you feel him breathing “the breath of life” and HOPE into your spirit. New mercies every day is what He has promised. Let’s claim those mercies.

Father, thank you for breathing life into us. Thank you for being present in our lives, even in the midst of our brokenness and hurt. Thank you for the light in the darkness. Speak into our lives and let there be HOPE.

She Must Have Done Something Wrong

Why would anyone say that of a mother who had just had her small child hit by a car and killed? At a recent support group meeting a bereaved mother shared with us that at her church that was the comment made by one woman to another woman, implying that God must have allowed her daughter to die in an accident because God was punishing the mother because she must have done something wrong.

NO! NO! NO! That is not the way God operates, but where does that idea come from? I think it partly comes from the misconception that if we are a believer then our lives should run smoothly and if trouble, or tragedy  occur it must be because we are not living right. That way of thinking is a misconception of the Christian life.

Jesus said about His Father in heaven: “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:45) We live in a fallen world where bad things happen to good people, even people who are faithfully serving God. Look at the disciples. Ten out of the twelve were martyred. They were surely serving the Lord faithfully and effectively, yet they were killed. That was not only a loss of their lives but a great loss to their family and friends.

I don't know why God intervenes sometimes to heal or prevent tragedy and not at other times. I do know that even those God heals eventually die. However, we also know that this life is not the end. For believers, eternal life is promised in a place free from all heartache, sorrow and pain. In the meantime, God has promised His presence, grace, comfort and strength. I find the words of the following song an encouragement:

*“God hath not promised skies always blue,

flower strewn pathways all our lives through;

God hath not promised sun without rain,

joy without sorrow, peace without pain,

But God hath promised strength for the day,

rest for the labor, light for the way,

Grace for the trials, help form above,

unfailing sympathy, undying love.”

*"God Hath Not Promised" Annie J. Flint, 1919

Someone Just To Be There

When we are grieving we don't need theological explanations or simplistic answers like, "God's in control."  Knowing God is ultimately in control doesn't help me cope with my loss and heal my broken heart today.  Most times we don't need to hear from someone else as much as we may need for someone just to hear from us and listen to how we are feeling. Most of the time all we may want is their presence, not their wisdom or advice. A friend of mine who now works in hospice care was a pastor for quite a few years.  He shared an experience he had as a pastor when one of his church members died.  He was a relatively young pastor and went to visit the family at their home in their time of grief.  He said he sat there with them and couldn't think of much to say.  He spent a few hours there.  He shed some tears with them but kept trying to think of what else to say to help and comfort them.  Finally he had to excuse himself because he had another appointment.  He said he went out on the porch and broke down, feeling like a failure as a pastor, because he couldn't come up with the "appropriate" things to say.

My friend said that eventually he moved on to another ministry but occasionally would see this family. Even years later when he would meet up with the family they would mention how much they appreciated his visit in their time of grief.  It was his presence and his tears that made all the difference, not his words.

When someone does talk to us it is comforting to hear them mention our loved one's name and share thoughts and memories about them. This may bring tears and even some pain, but at the same time, we will find it comforting and healing.

Death Is Not The End

It's been said that the only certainties of life are "death and taxes".  Death still makes house calls but for the Christian death is the door that leads to real life.  When terminal illness is the diagnosis we hope and pray for a miracle. That's what we did when our daughter, Crystal, was diagnosed with leukemia.  We knew God had healed people in the past, in fact, He even raised some from the dead.  In the Bible, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead but eventually he died again...two funerals for the same person? In the end death is not our enemy.  Robert Wise reminds us that for the Christian, "Death is the greatest  miracle of all."*  Crystal had a battle with leukemia.  Many would conclude that she fought hard but in the end leukemia won.  They would be wrong, for in her  battle with leukemia, Crystal definitely won.  She won first, because leukemia did not destroy her faith and her attitude.  More importantly, she also won because Jesus already won the victory over death and shared that victory with her, as He does with all believers, and as Robert Wise reminds us, "The last battle is the only one that really maters."**

That is certainly good news, but grief is still a fact of live.  It cannot be avoided, but it need not be our enemy.  Grief is a gift from God to help us deal with our deep sorrow.  In grief, though we may have sorrow, we also are reminded of the precious memories of the past.  Grief also helps us cope with the present and even prepare us for whatever lies in the future.

"Death has been swallowed up in victory....thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." I Corinthians 15:54-57

*Robert Wise, "When There Is No Miracle", Ventura, CA:Regal Books, 1977 (1983 printing), 164

**Ibid, 48

Supporting Children at a Funeral

Many families wonder if it is appropriate for children to attend a loved one's funeral. Every family is unique and every loss comes with its own set of circumstances that surround the death therefore, I believe it to be an individual family decision. Below are a few ways to support children before and during a funeral...

1.) Children cope better when they are prepared. Adults can help children prepare by explaining things they may see. For example: people may be crying or may be wearing black, people may tell nice stories about the person who died, etc. It is helpful for children to be prepared for the funeral, especially if seeing the body. For example, one can say: when someone dies their body stops working, their heart stops beating, their lungs stop working and they do not need to eat or drink. One can explain that the body is a shell and when someone dies their whole body is buried in something called a casket because you do not need your body anymore. For young children 2-5 years old it is important to explain that this will be the the last time they see the person who died because children at this stage of development do not understand the finality of death. This may need to be repeated to young children several times as they may ask when they will see the person who died. Then you can explain that their soul goes to Heaven if they have given their life to Jesus. I love the C.S. Lewis quote, “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

2.) If children attend a funeral, many families have found it helpful to have an adult that is removed from the situation that can attend to the needs of the children at the funeral. For example, to take a break from the funeral to draw, play, have a snack or take a walk outside.

3.) Keep in mind that funerals only happen once, so children and teens have one chance to attend a loved one’s funeral to say goodbye and to be with the entire family. Some children may want to attend and some may not. Either decision is okay. In my experience, I have heard children say they wish they would have been allowed to attend their loved one’s funeral.

Again, every situation is different and what may work for one family may not for another family.  Praying for wisdom and guidance for families currently in a situation where children have experienced the death of a loved one and may be attending a funeral. May the Lord's presence and comfort be with you.